Saturday, September 2, 2006

narcissism, pirates, and other goodies

Ahoy, mateys! Did you know that September is California Wild Rice Month, International People Skills Month, International Strategic Thinking Month, National Biscuit Month, National Honey Month, National Piano Month, Shameless Promotion Month, Subliminal Communications Month, and Update Your Resume Month?

So, in other words, if you're looking for work as a Strategic Thinker, and play piano at a piano bar, and by the use of subliminal communication you manage to snag the attention of a patron who happens to work at the Pentagon, and you hand them your resume, and you schmooze with them so effectively they invite you to join them for dinner, and you enjoy a meal which includes wild rice and biscuits & honey—then you will be The Ultimate September Person in the History of Septembers. It also helps if you have a birthday in September like my friend Mike S. and my brother, whose birthdays are on the same day.

So, let's look at the various notable September Weeks:

National Waffle Week: 3-9
Is it just me, or was it just National Waffle Day? I think the waffle industry is getting a tad greedy here.

Bottled Water Week: 17-23
Now, honestly—does the bottled-water industry really need a special week? Every day in LA is Bottled Water Day already! Sheesh.

National Love Your Files Week: 17-23
Uh, I appreciate my files, which are alphabetized...mostly. But do I LOVE my files? Nah. Too kinky for me.

Tolkien Week: 17-23
Bet Peter Jackson's all sorts of excited.

National Chimney Safety Week: 24-30
Bet fans of Mary Poppins are all sorts of excited. Sadly, this includes me.

And onto the extra-special Events o' September (or, as I like to type it, "Spetmeber", which is how I shall spell "September" from now on):

Be Late For Something Day: 5
I finally got over my habitual lateness, so for me, this is like having a National Get Wasted Day for recovering alcoholics. You insensitive bastards.

Wonderful Weirdoes Day: 9
Has my name all over it! I expect presents.

Swap Ideas Day: 10
Um, I do this for a living, why does everyone else get stuck with one day?

Fortune Cookie Day: 13
Every day is Fortune Cookie Day here in Astridland!

International Chocolate Day: 13
See Fortune Cookie Day.

Anne Bradstreet Day: 16
Hooray for America's first female poet! Bonus: she's actually good.

Talk Like A Pirate Day: 19
Omigod. I miss this every year. But not this time! BY GOD, NOT THIS TIME. Yar.

Elephant Appreciation Day: 22
See Fortune Cookie Day.

Hobbit Day: 22
Whoa, wait a sec—Tolkien already got a week, what the hell is this?

National White Chocolate Day: 22
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! BOYCOTT! Everybody knows that white chocolate is a hoax perpetrated by racist candymakers! For SHAME!

Punctuation Day: 24
I LOVE Punctuation Day. My favorite is the interrobang.

And finally, because I love you all and have no shame, I am posting a picture of myself on set, looking vaguely pissed:

The Afro Aliens & Me

I refuse to explain anything, other than to say that I wasn't actually pissed at anyone except myself, because the ND gel on the windows was catching too much glare, and there was NOTHING I COULD DO ABOUT IT. HOLY GODDAMN. Other than that, it was a fabulous shoot, and it amuses me that there were about twenty other people crammed into the room, carefully hidden in this photograph, and all the camera/lighting crap you see was orchestrated by moi. Don't the afroed men look fabulous? Yes. Yes, they do.

Note to fellow DPs: I know, the lighting on the actors is flat as hell, BUT THAT WAS THE POINT. It's supposed to be a nasty-ass, 70s-era, Denny's-like restaurant; so, by golly, the lighting was set up accordingly. Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it, Jeff Cronenweth!

Further note to fellow DPs: it's the F900. See? You didn't even have to ask—we're already getting a jumpstart on that Spetmeber Subliminal Communication! I'm so proud of you.

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