I wrote this 6-page script a few years ago, inspired by an idea I discussed with the fabulous Kimberely Simonetti. I've finally decided to post it here, since I don't know Christopher Walken, I don't have an agent, I have no track record as a director, and I figure someone here on Teh Intertubes might find this amusing.
Enjoy! Or not.
Astrid Phillips & Kimberely Simonetti
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - AFTERNOON
We see a fingerpaint project on the wall next to a doorway. Booming down past the picture we land on a handwritten sign stating “SAT. 2:30 PM/Compulsive Christopher Walken Quoters Group Session”. We boom down further to see “Walk Ins Welcome”.
INT. KINDERGARTEN CLASSROOM - AFTERNOON
ELEGANT BLACK LADY - MYRA
(à la Christopher Walken)
Fast - ship? You've never heard
- of the - Millenium Falcon? It's the
ship - that made the Kessel run -
in less than - twelve parsecs.
She's - fast enough - for you - old
(also like Walken)
No no - that’s a Kevin Spacey -
impression - of Christopher Walken -
as Han Solo. That - shouldn’t
(very Walkenly indeed)
Hey - it’s postmodern. Chris - is
the GOD - of postmodern. I say -
Hippie Girl and others protest, which THERAPIST BOB tries to quiet down, waving a clipboard.
Folks! Folks! This is
counterproductive! Did we not
agree to support each other, no
matter the issue? I’m sensing a
lot of judgement here. Can we
please try to come together?
The group, including an ASIAN HIPSTER and a HELL’S ANGEL, is quiet, then mumbles agreement. They are all uncomfortably hunched on tiny kindergartner chairs, surrounded by toys.
Okay, then. Myra, that was very
brave of you, thank you so much.
Now, tell us, how does your
constant need to mimic Mr. Walken
affect your ability to function
constructively in society--
The door CREAKS open, so Therapist Bob turns -- to see CHRISTOPHER WALKEN poke his head in.
Hi - the sign out here - says '
‘Walk Ins Welcome’?
Everybody stares in total shock.
Yes, please, come in! We just got
started, so you’re not interrupting
Walken nods and comes in to find a seat. People WHISPER, saucer-eyed, as he takes a chair next to Goth Boy. Goth Boy stares open-mouthed in adoration.
(to Goth Boy)
Goth Boy SIGHS and faints onto the floor. Walken notes this calmly before turning to Therapist Bob.
Please - continue.
Therapist Bob is enthralled.
I’m Bob, the facilitator for this
group, and you are, uh, uh--
Yes, the resemblance is uncanny.
If you don’t mind my saying so, you
seem rather advanced in your
Well - it’s hard for me - to not -
be Christopher Walken - seeing as
how I am - in fact - Christopher
Prove it. Show us - your driver’s
Okay, let’s settle down, folks--
(to Asian Guy)
My real first name - is Ronald - I
was born March - thirty-first -
nineteen-forty-three - My parents
- are Paul and Rosalie--
Anyone - could find that - online.
Hey - you want - my fingerprints?
Dental records? I could give you -
a helluva - DNA sample--
(moves to unzip pants)
Whoa, whoa, I am sensing some
hostility here! Please, let’s all
create a safe environment for each
other to share. Chris, do you feel
that your identity is affecting
your ability to function
constructively in society?
Yes - I didn’t understand - why
people kept copying me - all the
time - and why - everyone else -
thought it was all - so damn funny.
Walken darts accusatory glances at people. Everyone shifts uncomfortably.
Then I thought - hey - if you can’t
beat ‘em - join ‘em. I became - a
Walken impersonator - purposely
exaggerating myself - and I found
my life - became easier - for a
while. People found me - wittier -
and I felt - embraced - on a whole
new level. Like I was finally in -
on the joke.
People nod with recognition.
Until my wife - left me.
The group GASPS, then AWs.
She said - I was no longer true -
to myself - and also - that in the
process - of aping myself - I had
become - a monkey. Apparently -
not everyone likes - being married -
to a monkey - even though I - find
most monkeys - quite personable.
The Hell’s Angel nods encouragingly.
Now - I’m trapped - in this
persona. The people - I care about
most - can’t stand - the caricature
- I have become. I need help - and
I was hoping - I could find it
Hands reach out to pat Walken reassuringly. Therapist Bob looks empathetic.
Chris, you have come to the right
place. Is everyone with me?
Everyone APPLAUDS. Walken smiles sadly, half-heartedly acknowledging everyone’s encouragement.
The first thing we have everyone do
is perform a sample of their
Christopher Walken repertoire, and
then we talk about how to break out
of that mind script to find our own
identity. Are there a few special
lines you’d like to share with us?
I think - a little Wordsworth -
would be appropriate.
Walken suddenly stands, striking a pose.
I wandered lonely as a cloud, that
floats on high o’er vales and
hills, when all at once I saw a
crowd, a host, of golden daffodils--
You - have got - to be kidding.
What’s wrong - with daffodils?
You - do the worst - Christopher
Walken - ever--
Now, that wasn’t necessary--
As a Christopher - Walken
impersonator - you - are a total
CHRISTOPHER WALKEN THERAPIST BOB
Do not - waste my time. That is
not - the real deal.
Some of us have very different ways
of expressing our inner Walken!
And yours - is the pits.
You people - are fucking psycho! I
KNEW - this was a bad - idea!
Walken storms to the door, with PEOPLE YELLING “Amateur!” and “Go home!” at his retreating back. Therapist Bob catches up with him just as Walken is about to exit, and slips him a business card.
Here’s my info. If it helps,
Pacino and De Niro called me about
celebrity group counseling for New
Yorkers Who Are Pathologically
Quoted. Would you be interested?
As long as no one - mentions
cowbells - or keeping watches up -
their asses - I’ll think about it.
And bigger chairs - would be nice.
Walken walks away, leaving Therapist Bob looking hopeful.
Behind him, Goth Boy groggily sits up.
(Walkenly as ever)
Hey - what did I - miss?
CUT TO BLACK.