Software License Agreement -- The Ninja Translation

Software License Agreement -- The Ninja Translation

[This is my line-by-line translation of an actual software license agreement from a giant computer corporation with a cult following. I may have had a ridiculous amount of caffeine before tackling this.]

Read this so that we, Yuppie Entertainment Corporate Holdings (NASDAQ: YECH), can successfully sue you, and you can't successfully sue us. By reading the rest of this, you are agreeing with the previous ("first") sentence. If you disagree with the first sentence, use somebody else's software, dumbass. On the plus side, if you disagree with the first sentence, you can return this software to wherever you bought it and we'll give you a refund. If you were dumb enough to get this online, click "Disagree/Decline" and go play in traffic. If you got this as part of a package including hardware, you'll have to drag everything (yes, EVERYTHING, heavy hardware and all) to wherever you bought it in order to get your lousy refund; we're counting on the fact you're too lazy to bother doing any of this.

IMPORTANT NOTE: You can use this program to copy stuff. Just copy stuff for which we can't sue you, which means you can't copy anything except for that crappy post-punk garbage you recorded with your sorry-ass 'band' last week. We'll let you use this software to listen to music on other people's computers/servers. Don't use your access of copyrighted music in a way which will make us want to sue you. If you're not sure what would make us sue you, call a lawyer; if you can't afford a lawyer, we guess you could always try Legal Aid, but they're too busy helping people with real problems.

1. General. Everything in this software is ours, not yours; if you're not sure what's yours, assume it's ours. There are chunks of this software which isn't ours, but we're not going to tell you which parts -- let's just say that we know it's not ours, but we have permission to use it anyway and we know it's definitely not yours. You own the disk and/or hard drive on which the software is sitting, but that's about it. All of this applies to any updates we toss your way, unless the update comes with a different set of rules which we could use to sue you.

2. Permitted License Uses and Restrictions. Kiss our fat, hairy butts for allowing you to use this precious software. You can use this program to copy stuff; just copy stuff for which we can't sue you, which is practically nothing except for the aforementioned post-punk garbage you're still convinced will make you a star on YouTube. Don't let anyone else have access to this software from their own computer, or we'll sue you. You can make only one copy for yourself, in case this software dies an unholy death in the middle of your favorite Daily Show webisode; your one other copy must include all this legal crap as well. If you mess with this software in any way whatsoever, we will send ninjas to maim you and have it look like an accident. DON'T USE THIS SOFTWARE TO LAUNCH BOMBS, NAVIGATE PLANES, MAINTAIN PEOPLE ON LIFE SUPPORT, OR DO ANYTHING ELSE STOOPID WHICH WILL DRAG US INTO SENATE HEARINGS AND POSSIBLY LAND YOU AN HONORABLE MENTION IN THE DARWIN AWARDS.

3. Transfer. Don't earn any money on this software. You can pawn it off on somebody else if you're getting a new version, but you're only allowed to do this if a) you hand over everything with no missing parts, b) you don't secretly keep a copy for yourself, say on a jump drive which may or may not be adorned with Hello Kitty decals, and c) the person to whom you're handing this software is actually irritating enough to read all of this and agree to it like the anal-retentive jerk that they are.

4. Consent to Use of Data. We're allowed to collect information about you, which we'll sometimes use to improve our software, but mostly we'll use it to spy on you and find excuses to sue you. We're allowed to do this, as long as we can't use it to identify your name or where you live; of course, we're required to say this, but we all know it's B.S. and Homeland Security could totally make us revoke this 'respect for privacy' thing -- God bless America!

5. Online Store and Other Services. You can use this to buy stuff in our online store. You'll still need Internet access, idiot -- plus, you'll have to agree to even more legal crap before you can start looking at stuff.

When you use this along with a store account, you're agreeing to the latest store legal crap sight unseen; you can access and review this crap on the store home page, but we all know you won't.

By using our services, you'll probably find entertainment which would give your Catholic grandmother a coronary; or, if you're not Catholic, your neighbor's Catholic grandmother may have the coronary instead. This is not our problem. Descriptions of entertainment may be inaccurately worded in order to get you to download stuff it turns out you didn't want after all, but you'll still have to pay for it anyway.

Our services may include stuff not made by us. Some of it will be crap you'll hate, but that's not our problem. That stuff has nothing to do with us, so don't even try suing us over it. We'll give you links to things, but follow them at your own peril. Don't do anything with other people's crap through our site which would make them sue you; if you get in trouble, don't look at us.

Our services include colors and sounds which we own or are licensing, and you can't do anything with these colors and sounds except look at them and listen to them. Don't copy anything, not even a part of something. Don't make money off the colors or sounds, and don't hack into our network and/or shut it down, or else beware the ninjas -- they're nasty little suckers.

We (and the people whose stuff we're licensing) reserve the right to change any of this crap when you're not looking. You won't ever be able to sue us over this. We can also limit your access to our services anytime we like for no apparent reason, because we're evil and you're too busy suckling at our gorged teat of trendy 'new media' -- BOW TO YOUR CORPORATE OVERLORDS, WHOO.

6. Termination. These rules are rules until we decide they're no longer rules. If you break any of these rules, we can rip your rights away from you without warning. If/when these rules are no longer rules, you'll stop using the software and destroy all your copies, because you are a lazy, stupid robot and will do everything we tell you to do because you are addicted to our pretty sounds and colors.

7. Warranty on Media. For ninety (90) days after you buy this, we're pretty sure this software will be okay, as long as you don't overuse it or drop your MP3 player in the toilet like last time -- how the hell did that happen, anyway? If you don't consider our software/services 'okay,' we'll give you a refund, but only if you bring your software back to wherever you purchased it and actually remember to bring your receipt, which no one ever does. THIS IS ONLY TRUE FOR THE FIRST NINETY (90) DAYS AFTER YOU BOUGHT THIS. SOME STATES MIGHT LET THIS WARRANTY LAST LONGER THAN NINETY (90) DAYS, SO CALL YOUR LOCAL CONGRESSPERSON AND SEE WHAT THEY SAY; THEY'LL PROBABLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, SINCE MOST CONGRESSPEOPLE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A "PDF" IS, SO DON'T SAY WE DIDN'T WARN YOU. IF THERE ARE NO OTHER WARRANTIES THAT YOU KNOW OF WHICH MIGHT APPLY TO YOU RIGHT NOW, THIS IS IT. APPARENTLY, THIS GIVES YOU CERTAIN RIGHTS, BUT WE'RE SURE AS HELL NOT GOING TO TELL YOU WHAT THEY ARE.

8. Disclaimer of Warranties. YOU AGREE THAT IF OUR SOFTWARE BLOWS CHUNKS, YOU'LL SUCK IT UP. OTHER THAN THE WARRANTY B.S. WE MENTIONED ABOVE, WE DON'T OWE YOU ANYTHING ELSE, SO DON'T EVEN TRY SUING US. IF YOU DON'T ENJOY OUR SOFTWARE OR SERVICES, IF OUR SOFTWARE/SERVICES DON'T DO WHAT YOU NEED THEM TO DO, IF THERE ARE ANY GLITCHES IN OUR SOFTWARE/SERVICES, AND/OR IF WE DON'T FIX THOSE GLITCHES, THEN: HA HA, SUCKS TO BE YOU. IF ANYTHING IS DEFECTIVE, YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR THE REPAIR -- ALL OF IT. THEN AGAIN, YOU MIGHT LIVE IN AN AREA WHERE WE MIGHT HAVE TO MAN UP AND TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY AFTER ALL, LET'S HOPE THAT'S NOT THE CASE.

9. Limitation of Liability. UNLESS A LAWYER MAKES US DO OTHERWISE, WE'RE NOT GOING TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY IN CASE USING OUR SOFTWARE/SERVICES HURTS YOU, HURTS SOMEONE ELSE, HURTS PROPERTY, HURTS PROFIT, HURTS DATA, HURTS ANYTHING, SIMPLY BECAUSE YOU'RE A DUMBASS WHO COULDN'T USE OUR PRODUCT(S) PROPERLY. THEN AGAIN, YOU MIGHT LIVE IN AN AREA WHERE WE MIGHT HAVE TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY AFTER ALL, WHATEVER. No matter what, we'll never give you more than fifty bucks ($50) to make it up to you, unless the law makes us do otherwise. Even if the $50 isn't enough to cover your trainwreck of an existence, so it goes.

10. Export Control. You can't send copies of the software out of the country, unless federal law says otherwise for some strange reason. You definitely can't send a copy to a) Cuba or any other embargoed country, or b) to anyone the Treasury Dept. or Dept. of Commerce doesn't like, since chances are we can't sue any of those people. If you use this software it had better be because you're not in an embargoed country or hated by the Feds. And if you use this software to make weapons, we'll definitely send our ninjas after you, which will make the CIA look like a bunch of pansy asses.

11. Government End Users. The software is 'commercial,' according to your bureaucratic, law-type crap. Also according to this bureaucratic, law-type crap, this software is only being licensed to you as a) a commercial item, and b) having the rules apply which you hopefully already know about, lest you get caught using this software in a non-legitimate way and get dragged into a media circus which labels you as a fraud and destroys your pitiful, underpaid career. Again, God bless America.

12. Controlling Law and Severability. You'd better be using this in California, using California laws, on a California computer, eating a California roll, listening to "California Dreamin'." If the United Nations says otherwise, tell them to go rub a monkey's tummy with their heads. If any part of these rules turns out to be unenforceable by suing or ninjas, the rest of the rules are still in effect -- sorry to disappoint.

13. Complete Agreement; Governing Language. These rules are the rules to listen to, so ignore any rules we posted earlier and which you probably didn't read, either -- unless you also consider the rules about our store, which are always important and ninja-worthy. If we change any rules, the changes will be worthless unless you see them in writing and signed by us, which is what our lawyers told us to say. Any translation of this license (not counting the ninja translation you're currently reading) is to make your local bureaucrats happy, and if there are any misunderstandings because of translation, the English version will trump all others; rest assured you will lose all your money in any and all court proceedings against us on grounds of language, even if you found a version of this license in Pig Latin which really 'speaks to you.'

14. Third Party Software and Service Terms and Conditions.
A. Third Party Terms of Use. Our software involves a third party, hooray for us. Cool thing is, this third party software allows our software to do handy things. Please do not use third party software as a flotation device.

Don't use third party software for anything which might make you money. Don't hand third party software to someone else. YOU AGREE NOT TO USE THIRD PARTY SOFTWARE DATA TO FLOSS YOUR TEETH OR DO OTHER RIDICULOUS THINGS FOR WHICH THIRD PARTY SOFTWARE WAS NEVER INTENDED TO BE USED, DIPWAD.

If you break these rules, no third party software for you. Really: no third party software for you. The third party owns everything third party. If you give any information to the third party, and for some weird reason expect to get paid for it, you'll be sorely disappointed. The third party will send ninjas after you if you piss them off.

The third party spies on you. However, it does it by assigning a number to you so it doesn't know your name, but it still totally knows how old you were when you lost your virginity. If you're worried about having the third party know your most intimate details, check out the third party's privacy policy and then drown your pain in narcotics.

Appreciate the glitches in the third party's software for making the third party software the unique little snowflake we know it to be. If you don't, kiss our aforementioned hairy butts. The third party is free to change or delete information on their database without telling you. The third party promises nothing. The third party may do whatever it likes, which may include invading Poland or cheating on you with your best friend.

The third party is too awesome to worry about warranties -- "Fuck warranties" is a popular phrase around Third Party Central. If you don't have a good time with the third party's software, that's your problem. If anyone or anything is broken or killed because of the third party's software, that's also your problem.

B. Fourth Party Service Terms and Conditions.
Terms of Service. If you're dumb enough to use the fourth party's software, the following rules will screw you over:

Fifth party Links. Search results and links you find via the fourth party (owned by a fifth party) are not the fault of the fourth party, so don't sue us if they piss you off. Really: try suing us over somebody else's site which you found through us, and our lawyers will laugh at you -- and then blow their noses with your subpoena.

Personal Use Only. Don't make money using the fourth party's software. Really -- don't even use it to increase traffic to your AdSensed blog. No fair taking our search results and repackaging them on your own website; actually, just don't mess with our data at all, or we'll borrow the first party's ninjas and you'll never see your toes again.

Well, scratch that -- if you want to make money using the fourth party, email Sales and be prepared to fork over several gold bars, your left arm, and the soul of your firstborn. Maybe also your toes.

Changes in Terms and Conditions and Fourth Party Service. The fifth party can change its services or even entirely yank them out from under you without any warning whatsoever, which it likes to do from time to time out of sheer boredom. The fifth party can also change its terms of service without warning, which again it might do because it is BORED BEYOND BELIEF and also enjoys hearing millions of upset computer geeks crying out as one, only to be suddenly silenced.

Disclaimer of Warranties. If the fourth party's software screws up, the fifth party is not responsible. If anything goes wrong, in fact, the fifth party will never be responsible. The fifth party is Teflon and you are nothing, you miserable peon fourth-party user-type idiot person.

THE FOURTH PARTY HAS NO USE FOR WARRANTIES, NOT UNLIKE THE THIRD PARTY. NO WARRANTIES WHATSOEVER. THE FIFTH PARTY HAS NO USE FOR WARRANTIES, EITHER. HONEST TO BETSY.

IF YOU USE THE FOURTH PARTY SOFTWARE, AND MESS THINGS UP ROYALLY, DON'T SAY WE DIDN'T WARN YOU, PLUS IT WON'T BE OUR FAULT AT ALL.

THEN AGAIN, YOU MIGHT NEED TO DISCUSS THIS WITH YOUR CONGRESSPERSON.

Limitation of Liability. IF YOU SCREW UP, THE FIFTH PARTY OWES YOU NOTHING -- ZIP, ZERO, NADA. EVEN IF THE SCREW-UP IS CLEARLY OURS, YOU'LL STILL SEE NO MONEY FROM US AT ALL, BECAUSE YOU SUCK DONKEY BALLS. IF THERE'S A SCREW-UP ON THE PART OF A SITE TO WHICH YOU GAINED ACCESS VIA THE FOURTH PARTY, IT'S STILL TOTALLY NOT OUR PROBLEM. REALLY, IF YOU LOSE DATA OR MONEY OR YOUR CHILDREN BECAUSE OF THE FIFTH PARTY OR THE FOURTH PARTY, IT'S ALL YOU, PAL. WE'RE TERRIBLY SORRY. OKAY, NOT REALLY.

OF COURSE, YOU MIGHT NEED TO DISCUSS THIS WITH YOUR CONGRESSPERSON.

If the fourth party's software doesn't perform well because of Internet failures, equipment failures, power failures, strikes, labor disputes, riots, insurrections, civil disturbances, shortage of labor or materials, fires, floods, storms, explosions, acts of God(s), war, governmental actions, orders of domestic or foreign courts or tribunals, or loss of or fluctuations in heat, light, or air conditioning, then the fifth party officially wants you to go whistle Dixie; practically everything in this paragraph is in actual software license agreements, go see if you don't believe it.

Miscellaneous Provisions. These terms of service are dictated by whatever frustrated and resentful California bureaucrats decided on your behalf. If any of these rules are deemed unenforceable, the rest of the rules still apply -- HA HA IN YOUR FACE YO.

All of these rules replace any previous rules you wasted your time reading (or not) the last time you downloaded any of this crap. The only time these rules won't hold is if the fifth party puts the waiver in writing and signs it, which only would happen over the fifth party's cold, dead, corporate body.

Now click "Agree" like the obedient little dimwit monkey you know you are.