What the FBI taught me about Steven Paul Jobs

So, in case you've been living under a rock, the FBI just published this file about Steven Paul Jobs. Yes, that Steve Jobs. When he was nominated for a government advisory position in 1991, the White House asked the FBI to do a thorough background check.

According to this 191-page document (which I read in its entirety, because that's how I procrastinate), Steven Paul Jobs wasn't racist, didn't smoke, didn't drink, didn't use drugs (except back in college and in the very early days of Apple), lived within his means, associated with people of good repute, was never arrested, and wasn't a Communist. He had an apartment on Central Park West, in addition to his home in Northern California, which I find intriguing -- I'm pretty sure I've walked past his apartment building several times, totally unaware that a tech mogul was hanging out nearby.

For those of you who don't have the time or interest to read all the bits I liked, here's my summary:

- If you have a kid out of wedlock, don't ignore them. Especially if they could be kidnapped because of how ridiculously famous you are.

- When in doubt, delegate. Then delegate some more. (Except for parenting duties, of course.)

- It's great to be ambitious, persistent, and even show some tough love -- but if you lose your reputation for integrity, people will have no problem telling the FBI that you're a boogerbrain.

- Don't think that your wealth can bend reality.

- Everyone loves a visionary, even one who sucked at school and never got a degree in his chosen field.

- Having boundless energy is always an asset. Try cultivating it with exercise and a decent diet. Don't smoke or drink or take drugs, except for maybe a glass of wine once in a while.

- The more famous you are, the more prone you are to extravagant bomb threats. Make your life choices accordingly.


If you're still reading, here are all the bits of the report which jumped out at me -- and at every other reporter right now around the world.

My favorite 'Oh, snap!' moment:
"_____ [all names are redacted in this report] concluded the interview by stating that even though he does not consider Mr. Jobs to be a friend, he (Mr. Jobs) possesses the qualities to assume a high level political position. It was _____ opinion that honesty and integrity are not required for a position of trust and confidence with the Government."


Inspiring stuff I hadn't known before, since I never read any Jobs biographies:
"He stated the Appointee had undergone a change in philosophy by participating in eastern and/or Indian mysticism and religion. This change apparently influenced the Appointee's personal life for the better. He advised the Appointee lives within his means financially, however, based upon his newfound religious beliefs, the Appointee lives more of a spartanlike and at times even monastic existence. He added, however, the Appointee still associates with reputable people. He also advised that although the Appointee is not an engineer in the real sense, he understands . . . technology and technical jargon to the extent that he is an innovative force within the technical community, in terms of the contributions he has made."

"JOBS attended Homestead High School until June 15, 1972, at which time he graduated. He earned an overall grade point average of 2.65 on a 4.0 scale."

"The Appointee drinks occasionally, but only small amounts of wine. The Appointee was well off and had more money that he could spend in a lifetime and his chief concern was how that wealth would be used after he was gone. The Appointee liked brainstorming and was good at mediating. The Appointee understood the Japanese culture and had a great deal of contact in dealing with companies in the Orient."

". . . she verified that the Appointee was her next door neighbor. She described him as a quiet and unassuming individual who had never caused any problems as a neighbor and who visited her last week to ensure that some landscaping he was having done would not cause any problems with her and her husband."

"They had had the Appointee over for dinner and he didn't appear to drink or smoke. He was a vegetarian and did a great deal of jogging."


Creepy moments of already well-documented narcissism and lying bastardry:
"Several individuals questioned Mr. Jobs' honesty stating that Mr. Jobs will twist the truth and distort reality in order to achieve his goals."

"Mr. Jobs possesses integrity as long as he gets his way . . . ."

"She added that a 1983 Time Magazine article by a MICHAEL (Last Name Unknown) provided a rather accurate description of the Appointee, in terms of his being a visionary and charismatic individaul who was at the same time shallow and callous to people in his personal relationships. She described his personal life as being lacking due to his narcissism and shallowness. She added at the same time that he had far reaching vision and can vitalize plans and goals much the same as what he accomplishes at Apple Computers. She also stated that his success at Apple which provided an enormous amount of power for the Appointee also caused him at times to lose sight of honesty and integrity and even caused him to distort the truth at times to get his way.

"He described the Appointee as an individual who was not totally forthright and honest and has a tendency to distort reality in order to achieve his goals. . . . the Appointee will twist the truth in order to achieve whatever goal he has set for himself. He therefore considered the Appointee to be a deceptive person."

"He stated that Appointee had met _____ in High School and they were high school sweethearts. He added that she and the Appointee had a baby girl out of wedlock, whose name was _____. . . . He added that _____ has been mentioned in many books which have been written about the Appointee but has always used assumed names so as to protect her daughter from the possibility of being kidnapped for ransom. He stated she would be reluctant to speak to the FBI, based upon her negative experiences with the Appointee, in which the Appointee basically abandoned her and her daughter; however, lately the Appointee has been more supportive of both of them and has even purchased a home near where the Appointee resides, for them to be close to him.


Lessons in leadership:
"He characterized Mr. Jobs as an honest and trustworthy individual; however, his moral character is questionable. . . . he considered Mr. Jobs to be a successful individual because he can delegate tasks to individuals. However, Mr. Jobs alienated a lot of people at ACI as a result of his ambition."

"She concluded by stating that despite the Appointee's faults, she believes he is an extremely bright and competent individual who would serve well in a position of trust and confidence by his sense of vision as she previously related along with his indefatigable energy. She therefore recommended him for a position of trust and confidence with the Government."

"_____ described appointee as an extremely intelligent individual, a true leader, who has made a difference in the computer industry and given the opportunity will make a positive contribution on the National scene. _____ stated that appointee is not an individual who can be intimidated; however, fits in and can talk with anyone. _____ further described appointee as an extraordinary person, who is an excellent business negotiator and recruiter of talent. _____ added that appointee is a demanding individual, expecting a lot from himself and others."

"Appointee has the ability to listen to the suggestions and ideas of others and will adopt them; however, an individual dealing with appointee must know what he is talking about and present a strong case or appointee will disregard the discussion and sometimes the individual. _____ added that appointee is very truthful and straightforward with people and usually says exactly what he is thinking."

"He stated that the Appointee alienated a large number of people at Apple, as a result of his ambition. He added that the Appointee is technically oriented but is in the opinion of many, not an engineer, since he never actually got an engineering degreee from College and has been successful in business by delegating tasks to people."


And now for a Die Hard moment:
"DURING MORNING HOURS OF THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 7, 1985, AN UNIDENTIFIED MALE CALLER MADE A SERIES OF TELEPHONE CALLS TO _____, _____ OF APPLE COMPUTER, INC., 10201 NORTH DE ANZA BOULEVARD, CUPERTINO, CALIFORNIA, AND ADVISED THAT 'DEVICES"' HAD BEEN PLACED IN HOMES OF CAPTIONED INDIVIDUALS, _____ _____ AND ONE MILLION DOLLARS MUST BE PAID. CALLER ALSO STATED THAT A FOURTH BOMB HAD BEEN PLACED, BUT REFUSED TO GIVE LOCATION AND STATED THIS ONE WOULD GO OFF IF AUTHORITIES NOTIFIED.

"DURING ONE CALL, UNSUB [unknown subject] FIRST STATED THAT _____ SHOULD TAKE A BART TRAIN, BUT _____ REFUSED BEFORE UNSUB COULD ELABORATE.

"DURING SUBSEQUENT CALL, UNSUB STATED THAT _____ SHOULD GO TO THE SAN FRANCISCO HILTON HOTEL WHERE A TABLE IS LOCATED NEXT TO A CANDY MACHINE, AND UNDER THIS TABLE THERE WOULD BE A NOTE WITH FURTHER INSTRUCTION.

"CALLER STATED THIS MUST BE DONE BY 2:30 P.M. ON FEBRUARY 7, 1985, OR BOMBS WOULD GO OFF.

"FIRST TWO CALLS MADE BY UNSUB FOR _____ WERE TAKEN BY STAFF PEOPLE.

"DURING FIRST CALL, NO THREATS MADE AND UNSUB IDENTIFIED HIMSELF AS _____, AND STATED _____ SHOULD CALL HIM AT (415) 877-9566 BECAUSE THERE WAS A FAMILY EMERGENCY.

"_____, _____, SUBSEQUENTLY TELEPHONED THIS NUMBER AND CONVERSED WITH UNSUB, WHO IDENTIFIED HIMSELF AS _____. UNSUB INFORMED THAT _____ IN MEETINGS ALL DAY AND UNAVAILABLE. UNSUB STATED THIS WAS PERSONAL FAMILY MATTER. _____ TOLD UNSUB SHE NEEDED SOME IDEA OF PROBLEM IN ORDER TO INFORM _____, AND UNSUB STATED TO TELL HIM THAT THERE ARE "DEVICES" THAT CAN GO OFF AND THAT HE WILL CALL _____ BACK IN FIFTEEN MINUTES.

"UNSUB SUBSEQUENTLY TALKED TO _____ ABOUT DEMANDS PREVIOUSLY SET OUT IN THIS COMMUNICATION.

"_____ REFUSED TO COMPLY WITH UNSUB'S DEMANDS AND INFORMED HIM THAT HE FELT THREAT NOT A REAL ONE. CONSEQUENTLY, NO ATTEMPT MADE BY _____ OR FBI TO FOLLOW INSTURCTIONS.

"TELEPHONE NUMBER (415) 877-9566 DETERMINED TO BELONG TO PUBLIC TELEPHONE BOOTH IN PARKING GARAGE AT SAN FRANCISCO INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT.

"IMMEDIATE COVERAGE AFFORDED SAN FRANCISCO HILTON AND TELEPHONE BOOTH WITH NEGATIVE RESULTS. NO NOTE LOCATED UNDER TABLE AS DESCRIBED BY UNSUB.

"TELEPHONE TRAP PLACE BY TELEPHONE COMPANY ON VICTIM'S OFFICE TELEPHONE IN THE EVENT FURTHER CALLS RECEIVED, HOWEVER, NO FURTHER CALLS MADE TO DATE BY UNSUB.

"SANTA CLARA COUNTY, CALIFORNIA SHERIFF'S OFFICE CANINE UNIT MADE SWEEP OF VICTIM'S RESIDENCES AND AUTOS, AS WELL AS BUILDING HOUSING OFFICES OF _____ AND NO DEVICES LOCATED.

"_____ VOLUNTARILY FURNISHED INFORMATION TO LOCAL NEWSPAPER AFTER MEDIA INQUIRED OF UNUSUAL ACTIVITY.

"SAN FRANCISCO MAINTAINING CONTACT WITH APPLE COMPUTER IN EVENT ADDITIONAL INFORMATION DEVELOPS."

Some serious unseriousness

I was reading an article which used the term "shaggy dog story," despite the fact that the rest of the article had nothing to do with dogs. What, I wondered, is a shaggy dog story? Wikipedia came to the rescue, explaining that it's a form of humor I've loved for years: a winding tale with tons of irrelevant detail and random tangents, culminating in an anti-climax that is hilarious precisely because it is so non-hilarious and completely unrelated to the rest of the story.

Eager for more, I decided to head to the "See also" section, where I clicked on "No soap radio." Again, I was floored to learn that there is a term for something I've experienced for years: a joke with a non-hilarious punchline (typically the words 'no soap, radio?,' but not always), told between a couple of people who are in cahoots with each other to laugh no matter what. The point is to tell the joke in front of a third person, and see how they react: do they try to conform and laugh along with the first two, thus looking like a birdbrain? Or will they be understandably confused, opening themselves to ridicule from the two jokesters? Needless to say, this is intimately related to "anti-humor."

As I read about this, I had a flashback to eighth-grade English class. Our weekly assignment was to learn twenty new assigned vocabulary words, and then create analogies for the class where the vocabulary words would be the answers. Pretty straightforward stuff, until one time a couple of guys decided to have some Dada-esque fun. One of them announced the following analogy to the class:

"Stoplight is to Marilyn Monroe, as carpeting is to...?"

The class sat stupefied for a moment, until the second guy gleefully announced "Varnish!" which, as you may have guessed, was one of our vocabulary words for the week. They clearly had rehearsed this, and were having a fabulous time.

We being a bunch of bored eighth graders, the whole class burst out with some mild laughter. We were all set to shrug off the nonsense and move on, until our teacher said shrilly, "I don't get it. I just don't get it!" So we laughed some more.

But our teacher started having an honest-to-goodness meltdown. "I'm serious! I don't get it! SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME AT ONCE." She may or may not have stomped her foot in consternation.

We were all howling by now.

The classroom madness lasted for several minutes, with our teacher getting more and more shrill, and the rest of us laughing harder and harder to the point of challenging our bladder control. The two guys, meanwhile, were both grinning like Cheshire cats and waiting to see what would happen next.

Anti-climactically, a gal (NOT I) quietly explained to our teacher that the two guys were being humorous dopes, and there was nothing to get about the joke -- it was hilarious precisely because it was non-hilarious.

"Well, I think you're all crazy," our teacher declared. Needless to say, she was never one of my favorites anyway, and this occasion pretty well confirmed my opinion.

P.S. Look up "Snowclone." Like the word "philtrum," I'd never realized a term existed for such a thing until fairly recently. I feel so much smarter now.

Evolution of the Hipster

Ah, satire, I love you so.

My Own Private Neuromancer III

View Part 2 here.

images that stick

A historic vote in Sudan - the handiness of this ballot design blows me away. How best to convey to an illiterate voter the choice between a union and a secession? I find this solution very elegant.


World Press Photo winners - the blankness of his eyes frightens me, yet there's something I find compellingly timeless about this picture overall. Maybe it's the amusing juxtaposition of the Cyrillic alphabet and the Donald Duck outfit, but I also like the white-on-white glow of this image.


a Rube Goldberg-esque musical gutter system - cute in a Tim Burton sort of way, and it might also sound nifty in a storm. I feel like it's missing a pinwheel in there somewhere, though.


Half Pipe Threadless t-shirt - I'm a huge fan of Rene Magritte, and the quality (plus wit) of this image really impresses me. It almost seems too nice to stick on a t-shirt, or is that just me?


135th Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show - I think I've seen variants of this image over and over again in various cartoons from the past century or two. What is it about large, overdecorated ladies and their small, neurotic dogs that makes the concept so persistent in our culture?

Aisle v. Window

This is intriguing:

Hunch Blog: Aisle vs. Window, the Great Debate

What does it say about me that I don't care where I sit on an airplane, as long as it's near the wings for greater stability? I do seem to be a blend of both types mentioned in the article, with a slight preponderance of Window Sitter traits. Hm.

Stop - It's Hammertime! (only with bindis and dupattas)

    When I'm not doing micromarketing or calculating inventory, I prance about like a Bollywood star in MBA talent shows. This seems to astound and impress the Indian students, who think that no American would ever be caught dead shaking her groove thing in front of 110 people to "Desi Girl" or "Mauja Hi Mauja". In your face, dubious Indian students! You're not the only cool, dancing-type people to hang out in business schools! So there.



P.S. The Rockettes we ain't, but we still brought the house down. This was quite possibly one of the most awesome experiences I've ever had, at least since that one time I was duct-taped to a wall.

joys of bureaucracy

    I spent all day Thursday walking around the UC Irvine campus, trying to tie up loose bureaucratic ends. I discovered that the school has just negotiated a new insurance plan for grad students, so the insurance accountants at the health center are still trying to figure everything out, but my particular accountant was very helpful with processing my insurance waiver.

    This is something I'm starting to love about UC Irvine: not the sorting through of bureaucracy, but the helpfulness. Everyone has been incredibly straightforward, efficient, and encouraging. "Never fear!" they say when I tell them I am a new student and therefore clueless. "You've come to the right place, we'll get you all set up!" UMichigan wasn't nearly this cheerful, although they were still mostly helpful, and USC was...well, don't get me started.


    Go Anteaters!

I must be deranged IV: packrat love

    I still have to clear up the mess in my new apartment. The big pieces of furniture are where they need to be (e.g. not on the ceiling, in a truck, in someone's else's living room, etc.), but I have entirely too many dishes to wash and put away. And I also have a ton of random crap (mannequin heads, candles, vases, bust of Chopin) which don't seem to belong anywhere just yet.

    I'm young, how did I get so much crap?

    My younger brother Jonah says that he views being a packrat as a genetic disease, one that we've inherited from our parents; like any other mental illness, we need to work every day at prevention, eliminating triggers for the behavior and so forth. I think he's on to something. I've grown pretty good at chiseling away methodically at my collection of crap, but I could be even more ruthless.

I must be deranged III: tea and Archie

    I finished our MBA personal pre-work a week ago, where we had to write about our accomplishments, take a Myers-Briggs test, etc. Turns out that I love novelty (shock!), but to the point where I hate having to stick with an idea and follow through with its daily maintenance. I'm fine at maintenance generally, but I just hate doing it. Bleh. Isn't this what assistants are for? If I had my choice, I'd simply brainstorm fun ideas all day, and then have minions do the nitty gritty for me as I drink iced mint tea on a veranda whilst reading Archie comics.

    I refuse to feel like a terrible person for saying this.

brilliant...?

Kinda Bizarre Audience-Building Strategy: Come to My Apartment

Would I want 60 strangers in my apartment every week? Probably not -- but it would be a fantastic way to piggyback PR for a personal project. Will mull this over.

Feelin' like a cyberpunk Monday

"I've never really been very interested in computers themselves. I don't watch them; I watch how people behave around them. That's becoming more difficult to do because everything is 'around them'." - William Gibson, 2007

[John] Shirley convinced [William] Gibson to write a story for the television series Max Headroom for which Shirley had written several scripts, but the network canceled the series. - interview, 1994

"After witnessing the first 20 minutes of landmark cyberpunk film Blade Runner (1982) which was released when Gibson had written a third of the novel, he 'figured [Neuromancer] was sunk, done for. Everyone would assume I’d copped my visual texture from this astonishingly fine-looking film.' He re-wrote the first two-thirds of the book twelve times, feared losing the reader's attention and was convinced that he would be "permanently shamed" following its publication . . . ." - interview, 1986

". . . . in 2005, Time included it in their list of the 100 best English-language novels written since 1923, opining that '[t]here is no way to overstate how radical [Neuromancer] was when it first appeared.'" - Wikipedia

Bauhaus / in the middle of our street

NY Times: Biggest-Ever Bauhaus Exhibition in Berlin



OhboyohboyOHBOY would I love to visit Berlin, and this would be the perfect example of a reason. True, part of me deeply resents the Bauhaus movement (hat tip to Tom Wolfe for giving me the words to express my loathing), but still, there is undeniably a certain zest to it which I can't resist at times.

twitter catch-up

Rory_Blyth: Going out is frustrating. I want witty, challenging, flirtatious banter, but mostly just find people who text with their mouths.

fireland: Yeah, swimming is good, but I still think the best full-body workout is grabbing someone's baby and running away.

onecreativenerd: I heard a porsche car alarm going off today in quarter notes (but in Eb not F), found myself singing Treadmill

mcgrory: Bilingual - or Bivisual?

jagwicK: in a job interview, when asked if you have any questions for them, don't say "If you were a fruit, what fruit would you be?"

Truly, I love you all. Hooray for the stupendously awesome.

because bludgeons are so 12th-century

NY Times - No Doubts: Women Are Better Managers

I put off reading this for a while -- and put it off some more -- because articles about managing people tend to tire me out. Everyone has their words of advice, most of which seem impractical to me, and they all start blending into each other.

Carol Smith, however, thinks exactly like I do, therefore I adore her to bits. (Cue sheepish grin.) Like me, she prefers gender-balanced offices to environments which are mostly women or mostly men. Like me, she prefers to interview candidates over meals. Like me, she prefers to avoid setting long-term goals, since they can evaporate quickly and without warning, and instead go in whichever direction is working spectacularly already. Like me, she likes to be the boss without being bossy.

Hooray, Carol Smith! She's a lady after my own heart, and I someday hope to possess a fraction of her awesomeness (and an empire comparable in size to hers).

That Scott Adams is such a card

Did you see this Dilbert strip?

http://www.dilbert.com/strips/comic/2009-05-10/

I laughed uproariously, then got seriously depressed. Then laughed again. Then moped again. Thanks, Dad, for sending this to me and ruining my day.

On the plus side: garden car!

military robots, and the folks who love them

Real Soldiers Love Their Robot Brethren

The bit about Scooby-Doo slays me, and the skateboard idea is fascinatingly simple. I also find EATR intriguing, in a Skynet sort of way.

But where did insurgents get the idea that Lipton tea bags are drone magnets? And how does Lipton's marketing department feel about this? I can see the slogan now:

Teacups Versus Terrorism -- LIPTON Saves the Day!

::shakes head::

illegal aliens: an interesting juxtaposition

District 9 - Official Trailer

Guantanamo Detainee Suggests Moving Guantanamo Detainees to Ramada Inn

Join me at Mindshare, May 21!

So, here's the latest email I've received from the madcap folks behind Mindshare:

We're excited to announce the program for next Thursday at 1018 Gallery!
http://www.mindshare.la/events.html

William Pomerantz / Senior Director of Space Projects, The X PRIZE Foundation
Winning Our Way to the Moon

Heather Knight / Roboticist, MIT Media Lab
Social Robotics - Exploring the Human-Robot Relationships

David de Rothschild / Founder, Adventure Ecology
The Plastiki - Rethinking Plastic as a Resource!

Daniel Yoder / Hacker, Zeraweb Labs
Flash Fundraising for The Abruzzo Earthquake

Unnamed Military Source / US Air Force
Apocalypse Survival (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Breakdown of Society)

Evonne Heyning & Matt Davis / Lightning Temple Artists
INTERACTIVATION: Collaborative Visions of Human Evolution

And of course there will be and open bar, hors d'ouevres, music and a number of installations on display from the great brains from Mindshare Labs!

I'll be there at 7 to help set up, who else is coming?

American Apparel is the new Hot Topic. Discuss.

Someone just told me about The Lab in Irvine. I checked out the site, wrote back to her, then decided to turn the message into an open letter here:

The Lab is interesting; it actually looks very Melrose to me, too, not just an OC thing. Funny how it calls itself an 'anti-mall,' when most malls I visit these days have an Urban Outfitters as well as other boutique-y shops similar to those at The Lab. It's unnerving how well clothing corporations have learned the formula for successfully co-opting pseudo-bohemian culture; American Apparel is the new Hot Topic! Extra smart (or insulting?) to have a gallery space like Artery in the middle of the complex to 'legitimize' the pseudo-bohemia of the whole thing!

On the plus side, at least it's a great venue for artists to show their work -- but who decides what work ends up on the walls?

Have you been to The Lab? If so, do you think I'm being harsh? Or reasonable?