Sunday, September 2, 2007

Spetmeber Scent Xperiment, Day 2

SSXD2 lasted until about 2 this morning, which is why I haven't written about it until now. Here's how it went:



I chose the Body Shop Satsuma (the ESP award goes to Rebekah, rock on), because I needed to feel alert, and citrusy scents are handy for that. So far so good.

So, there I was, flipping around various TV channels yesterday morning, munching on my breakfast (strawberries, plain yogurt and oat sprinkles, yumz), when the words "Bill el Científico" flashed across the screen.

Huh, I thought. That kind of looks like 'Bill the Scientist.' As in "Bill Nye the Science Guy." Sure enough, the familiar chorus of "Bill! Bill! Bill!" popped out moments later, and I was then treated to an episode of Bill el Científico yammering away in dubbed Spanish about the science of breathing. Apparently, the Spanish term for thorax is 'thorax.' And mucus is 'mucosa.' There was also a mention of the Krebs Cycle, I believe.

All this science fabulosity was then followed by another excellent episode of "Bill el Científico," wherein he discussed friction ("Friccion!"), as evidenced by him sliding around a lot. Also, there was an excellent demonstration of ball bearings, using marbles and a jar lid, which spells doom for any household with an impressionable and overly curious 11-year-old.

Speaking of impressionable, did I mention that, back in high school, I wanted to marry Bill Nye? The man is total hotness in a blue lab coat. Granted, he does look a tad cadaverous, what with the deep-set eyes and high cheekbones, but I kinda go for that sort of thing. After all, I also like David Bowie, Daniel Day Lewis, and cadavers. Er, I mean....

Yeah.

So, after all this hilarity and swooning and Spanish-dubbed excitement ("Friccion!"), I decided to get down to business, trotting out to my local caffeineatorium with script in hand, but that all ended when I went outside. And slammed into an invisible wall o' heat, about 102 degrees Fahrenheit, which would have been enough to fry Bill Nye's bowtie right off his sexy geek neck. This was a killing heat -- I went back inside, and was already done for the day. It was sad, and no amount of Satsuma awesomeness was able to counteract it. I read a little, napped a little, read some more, napped some more, etc. I also dimly recall watching some "SpongeBob SquarePants" in there, which is always a fine idea. The script, thankfully, turned out to be pretty impressive, but it wove weirdly in my dreams with SpongeBob, which I'm not sure I'd recommend.

I awoke with a start around 8pm, feeling groggy, and then I was suddenly consumed with the need to salvage the day. Or night, whatever. And so, feeling a little woozy and disconnected, I headed out into the Pasadena evening, and I'm really glad I did. It was like the entirety of Pasadena, which had napped right along with me, had decided to stir along with me as well, and the sense of expectancy in the air was electric. Everybody was out, even in my part of the neighborhood, which is just houses and trees and crickets and dim streetlights and not much else. In the dark, people coasted past on bicycles, gears clicking as the riders quietly chatted and laughed. Children giggled, dogs bounded, trees glowed in the streetlights, guys shyly nodded their hellos, crickets chirped, and couples kissed. Actually, I think Pasadena may have broken some record for kissing couples, right around 8pm yesterday.

Like I said, it was that kind of evening. And the Body Shop Satsuma fit it perfectly: sweet, clear, yet serenely lush.

I grabbed an iced Japanese Cherry green tea and chocolate chunk muffin at the Coffee Bean, settled in with a second script (a vile paint-by-numbers gorefest, yawn), gave up on the script after twenty minutes, and people-watched. Folks were thronging to Pinkberry across the street, which still baffles me. As for the rest of the crowds, the night was too hot for people to be as jumpy or chatty as they normally would be on a Saturday night, so there was an almost liquid quality to people's movements, a lethargy which made everything seem even more serene and meaningful somehow.

Pasadena, last night, had presence. It was magical.

After I finished my tea and muffin, I decided to head home, but when I hit my street, I just kept going -- something deep within me couldn't give up this night just yet. I still have no idea how long I walked in the dark, twenty minutes? Two hours? It was quietly glorious, in that wistfully suburban, Ray Bradbury sort of way. Air conditioners hummed, sprinklers swished, houses creaked and settled. In the distance, through an open window, Mel Gibson yelled "Freedom!" as an orchestra swelled. I passed an older woman who was outside just to enjoy things like me -- she was gazing absently at her sprinkler when I walked by, and we quietly said hello to each other before we let our minds slide away again into the dark. It was nice. And my perfume lasted the whole time, adding that little something extra. Just beautiful.

I wasn't planning on wearing the same scent twice in a row, but it has been specially requested, plus it was undeniably part of yesterday's magic. I can't wait to see what happens tonight.

Saturday, September 1, 2007

Spetmeber Scent Xperiment, Day 1



So, after an inspiring exchange thus far with a pen pal (er, keyboard pal?), I've decided to do a little experiment with myself over the next month or so, which I have dubbed The Spetmeber Scent Xperiment. The misspelling of September is intentional, which will make sense if you go back and read the entirety of my blog. Enjoy! I'll wait here until you're finished.
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Okay, nice to see you made it back. So, here's the background to my experiment: I normally never wear perfume, which my keyboard pal deplored, saying that one's nasal activities should not necessarily have to be restricted to breathing. There's a fun-scented world out there, and it's time that my provincial olfactory system be taken for a spin, if you will.

The experiment: to wear perfume every day for the next thirty days or so, ideally not wearing the same scent two days in a row. I already have a small library o' perfumes, which I've allowed to languish, and now's my chance to finally put said library to good use.

The point of the experiment: to see if this somehow improves my existence, or at least my perception of my existence.

Now, I understand that today was technically not yet September (or Spetmeber), but Science Waits For No One. So, today I chose to spritz myself with Sephora "mûre," which not only made me feel immediately sassier, but even inspired me to wear my Officially Sassy Pumps, which I stupidly forgot to photograph earlier.

No matter.

(Side note: I noticed when I got home just now that I had forgotten to log out of MySpace, which may have confused some people into thinking I was chained to a computer all day, but in fact I was Out and About, sharing my perfumed sassiness with the world at large under the guise of picking up footage I shot, catching up on teaching-related paperwork, getting groceries, and having a lovely dinner al fresco with Rebekah.)

Back to the Spetmeber Scent Xperiment, Day 1: Despite the fact that the scent wore off quickly -- must remember to up the dosage next time -- its psychological effects carried me pretty well throughout the day. Students complimented my sassy shoes. Cashiers complimented my sassy earrings. Even the e-mails I received today seemed sassier, including the boring listserv ones.

Conclusion, end of Day 1: Sephora mûre rocks, but it would rock harder if it didn't wear off so quickly. I'm not used to bathing in perfume oils, but I guess desperate perfume times call for desperate perfume measures.

Saturday will be a big day o' script reading for me, done in a lovely nearby coffee shop, and I am as clueless as you are about what scent I shall try for tomorrow. An invigorating Body Shop Satsuma, perhaps? A more mellow Calgon Get Juic'd plum raspberry? Or a more mysterious sandalwood, in case I'm tired of smelling like a fruit bowl? Or perhaps a walk down Memory Lane with Body Shop Ananya (my signature scent in my freshman year of undergrad)?

I'm sure you're bored senseless by now, but this is a world I haven't explored in a long, long time. It's almost like discovering I have a third eyeball and can now see in four dimensions. Or something.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Sunday smorgasbord

Okay, now that I've cleaned out my months-collected links, I've now decided to do (kinda) weekly links. Here they are, in all their maddening and splendid glory:

No. 1 Link of the Week:
Hipster Olympics

tied with the other No. 1 link of the week:
Table 70, which is my pal Matt's bimonthly music 'podiocast'. I'm currently listening to the entry "1993 Was a Good Year," and indeed, by the sound of things, it really was. Hooray for TLC, is what I'm sayin'.

Unreal Pencil Carvings

Richard Sweeney has stupidcrazy art talents. He seems to be the M. C. Escher of our generation.

Cardboard Cop Slows Speedsters -- sneaky, but a great idea.


Angel Ceballos is so inspiring to me, it hurts. The following are some of my favorite works of hers, from her Flickr photoset:

Magdalene Veen

another Magdalene Veen

Samantha Klapp

Karen and Nate

Magdalene Veen once more


This is hilarious, and I'm also slightly embarrassed to admit this makes my mouth water:
Minnesota State Fair on a Stick

Such a nifty thing:
Book of Ingenious Devices, published 850 CE

The Automata of Rhodes
According to Pindar, one of the nine lyric poets of ancient Greece, the isle of Rhodes was known for its displays of mechanical engineering, particularly automata, which apparently were a specialty of the Rhodians. Pindar said this in his seventh Olympic Ode:

"The animated figures stand
Adorning every public street
And seem to breathe in stone, or
move their marble feet."

Trippy, huh?


Because I lovelovelove the site Do What Now?:
We are zee Five Kabobeteers, no?
and
Leave the grilling to the high-waisted men, Timmy


Via Indexed:
I hated gym.

Senju Kannon
From the site: "A once-in-a-year event in Japan. 24 hours of TV, a lot of artists, a lot of events, and the funds are all for charity and the disabled. This is the show of the 'Senju Kannon': The 1000-hands goddess of Mercy."

Newsweek: China Regulates Buddhist Reincarnation: um, what?

Great Shadow Puppetry via Metacafe

"Garbage Masters" Amazing Trick Shots -- very definitely amazing.

Garbage - Androgyny: such a fun video! I'm a big fan of the concept of androgyny myself -- I was sporting neckties WELL before Avril whatserface was doing her thing, that lousy poseur. Grr.

Mouse In My Pants! via LP Cover Lover
This is just so wrong for just so many reasons.

Disgustingly Rich! via LP Cover Lover
Gotta love the mink-lined bathtub.

And just when you thought the mink madness couldn't possibly get any worse:

de l'amour et de l'argent via LP Cover Lover

O dear god no, Uggs and Crocs have mated and spawned a hybrid! NOOOOOOOOO....
Cruggs? via Boing Boing

Tunnel via the random collections

tumbleweed -- wait a sec, tumbleweed ISN'T native to the U.S.? Huh.

Because I am a bit of a typography dork:
i love typography

And finally, because xkcd (Randall Munroe) is a mad genius:
Interesting Life


Whew. Back to unpacking.

Monday, August 20, 2007

where I don’t quote The Police. At all.

Man Meets Wife Via Message in a Bottle

I love random things like the above; seriously, what are the odds of meeting somebody really nifty via a message in a bottle? Or, for that matter, via a Post-It Note left on a sidewalk? Or, if you want to be superrandom, how about a wrong phone number, where you never intended to meet anybody new at all? I had a dream two nights ago where I misdialed a number, and a guy at the other end answered, "Hello, how may I help you on this maddening and splendid evening?" I don't remember much else beyond that, sadly, but it reinforced my sense of fun about chance meetings. Also, I will now answer the phone that way after dark, no matter who calls. You can test me on this.

Also also, I remember that I got a phone call during my freshman year at Michigan from a random guy, who said he lived in Ann Arbor and was just dialing around because he was bored and looking for fun people to talk to. I was in a rush at the time, so I didn't stop to chat, but afterward he apparently worked his way through my entire dorm (South Quad, for you nosybodies), ultimately talking for an hour or so with my friend Marla, who lived a floor below me. And whom I just saw last night for the first time in six years. Which is what got me started thinking about random connectivity in the first place.

This reminds me, I've always had a bit of an obsession with dreaming about a conversation with a friend, and then continuing that conversation with the same friend after waking up and seeing them in reality. The key here is that the friend has to have had the identical dream, so I know We Shared Something. I even did a little photo class project about this in my final year at Michigan, which turned out splendidly, thank you very much.

Back to random connectivity: you gotta love a mistyped e-mail address. About a month before New Orleans was hit by Katrina, I received an e-mail from the Chemistry department at Tulane University. The woman who wrote the e-mail told me that my paycheck was ready to be picked up or mailed, whichever I preferred, and it was clearly not a spam hoax. After noodling around on Google for a bit, I realized that there is a Dr. Astrid Phillips in the field of chemistry, and clearly she must have done a little academic song and dance over at Tulane. Ethical person that I am, it never occurred to me to say, "Sure, send me the moolah pronto!" Instead, I informed the lady of her error , and she apologized, saying she had left off a single letter from the e-mail address, and she thanked me for my patience.

Which reminds me, I may start an Astrid Phillips club. You can only be a member if your name is Astrid Phillips, and I already know (thanks to Google) that there will definitely be more than just a couple of members, difficult as that may be to believe. We will get together every once in a while, drinking tea and discussing highbrow matters. Maybe we'll even get manicures, and then go rob a bank. That would be awesome.

And hey, let's not overlook random Googling, as in the phenomenal case of Rory Blyth. Call me a romantic, or call me a person in need of serious therapy, but this really warms the cockles of my heart. And I'm sure we all know that a cockle is an edible, burrowing bivalve mollusk with a strong ribbed shell (thank you, Oxford American Dictionary OSX widget), so you know I'm serious.

Getting back to Marla, because it always comes back to Marla: I finally got to see her (and her charming man) last night, and I find it fascinating how comfortable it all was. I mean, I hadn't seen her in about six years, and when we grabbed dinner last night, it was like the intervening years had never happened. Amazing what a comfy friendship fit can do. We had met during freshman orientation, where we shared an instant bond because we both loved "Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman," and there you are. She just took the bar exam a couple of weeks ago, and now she's at Disneyland.

I haven't done anything random today yet, but let's see what I can cook up.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

on having a life

I've amassed yet another Lump o' Media Goodness over the past few months or so, which I've laid out below for your clicking enjoyment. I really need to get out more. Oh, wait, I saw "Becoming Jane" today, which made me all sorts of weepy and peevish, and then I went to Ross and bought random-yet-necessary housewares. Yes, folks, I AM Ms. Friday Night Madness.

This weekend will be nuts, though, because I'll be seeing a play directed by a friend, and then hanging out with my friend Marla WHOM I HAVEN'T SEEN IN YEARS, since she'll be vacationing in LA with her fabulous man for a few days. Also, "Fool Me Once" will be screening at Cinespace in Hollywood on Sunday evening, sometime between 6pm and 8pm; if you haven't seen my cinematography on a big(ger) screen yet, come on by.

So, yeah, I still have a life. I'm just sayin'.

10 Jobs You Can Do If You're A Blogger -- because I heart yongfook.

Think of England (1999) -- defining Englishness, whatever that means.

Catherine Tate: Lauren - Periodic Table...best snarky student ever.

Alanis Morissette "My Humps" video -- sad and eerie, and very well done.

Mute Math - "Typical" -- plays well with reverse filming.

Le Mont Solaire -- hooray for giant sun dials as art!

Lego camera!

Game developers: get a clue -- I agree with this 100%.

Root beer float cookies!

Save snowflakes forever!

Furniture from Weapons -- godawful but still mesmerizing.

Hugh MacLeod's How to Be Creative -- because this guy rocks.

Cool Hunter: Inspiration Nation -- a terrific almost-manifesto

If Crack Dealers Took Lessons From Walgreens, They Really Would Be Rich -- this blew my mind

RED CROSS mobile billboard -- brilliance

Medieval Cookery -- "A Dishe of Artechokes" looks really good!

Moon-bison and other 19th C. pranks

The best hoax pharma site ever!

SkyMaul -- sheer fabulosity.

BBC: The Lyrebird -- it starts off slowly, but just keep watching. It's a bird that can mimic, among other things, cameras, car alarms, and chain saws. Only imagine.

CYRK: Unicyclist with Derby (by Hubert Hilscher) -- beautiful. I love wacky vintage crap.

Oh no, it's The Beatniks! A mutinous generation! Wrought with suppressed emotions!

Exploding Head Syndrome -- boy, I sure hate when that happens.

B inside TV animated cartoon "S.P.I.C." -- I LOVE watching people draw in fast motion, especially when they're actually okay at it. It reminds me of Sesame Street, when a hand would enter frame and draw an elaborate scene, which would then magically come to life. If you can find me a YouTube of that, I'll give you a cookie.

"Olde English: Sad, Drunk 15 Year-Old" "Is that how you feel?" "If push-ups were cuddles and sharks were you...." You'll have to sit through some military propaganda before watching this, but it'll be worth it.

Cold War Kids: "Hang Me Up to Dry" -- Shot like European 60's neorealism! Startlingly stylish.

The ecstasy of influence: A plagiarism by Jonathan Lethem -- about the fragmentary cultural consciousness we see in all media. Definitely an eye-opener.

Thrill to the gloriously mad art of Jesse Lefkowitz!

Humanity Lobotomy -- a brief history of the Internet, and how the Web as we know it may die rather soon, in a very bloody battle indeed over net neutrality.

True Blue -- brilliantly hilarious.

Cheapest Eyeglasses in the World -- I'm never getting mine in the US again.

Tokyo Summerland wave pool makes me ill on behalf of humanity.

College Will Kill Your Entrepreneurial Spirit While Simultaneously Turning You Into a Worker Bee -- pretty much says it all.

The Dollar Dreadful Family Library -- for fans of eccentric Victoriana.

Damn Interesting: Raiders of the Lost Lake -- all about Lake Vostok, which is a nifty discovery.

meish dot org: Facebook and the Perils of Prodigious Sociability Welcome to my life.

WikiMedia: Infinite Descent (I just learned what a Shepard Tone is, I feel so smart now.)

Fifteen Unfortunately-Placed Ads -- I always love these.

Jessica the Hippo -- the adorablest thing ever!

The Bond of St. Marcel -- a graphic novel to be released in 2008, written by fellow USC alumna Jenn Quintenz!

Retro Thing: Make Better Home Movies -- Super 8 Tutorial Film -- it's very slowly-paced, but everything they say is truly a nugget of wisdom for every filmmaker. I especially like the line "[e]arly morning- and late evening-light can be enchanting." Truer words were never spoken.

Thomas Edison Hates Cats -- I had no idea Edison helped cook up (ick, sorry) the electric chair. This may or may not be true, but it's a heckuva rumor to perpetuate, so now I'm helping.

To quote myself: You may now returned to your regularly scheduled life.

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Because I read an insane amount online every day

I can't sleep, so instead I would like to share with you the highlights of my Web surfing from the past several months. Enjoy! And good luck with the resulting migraines/psychotherapy.

Art / Design / Performance

Men With Beards
I laughed! I cried! It was better than "Cats"!

Top 13 Most Expensive Cell Phones
Horrible! Disgusting! They represent all that is wrong with capitalism! Can I have one?

Gramaphone Styled CD Player
Silly yet brilliant.

The Kowal Portable Typewriter and Adding Machine
The best customization of a laptop I've ever seen.


http://www.xaco14.net/files/images/phone13.preview.jpg

girl with phone, looking beatified -- I find this oddly compelling, like a 13th-century Madonna Minus Child painting.

my friend Sarah Goff saw beautiful things in Italy
Really. She did.

"Thriller" as performed by inmates of the Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation center
Alarmingly terrific.

phenomenal artist Stella Im Hultberg
Oh my.

Damn Interesting: Tesla's Tower of Power
Tesla, how I love you so, especially as portrayed by David Bowie, ahem.

Harry Grant Dart: Picturesque America
The retrofuture of Times Square.

Stephane Halleux
So incredibly inventive, my goodness.

Royal de Luxe
The greatest macropuppeteers ever.

Love Letter to Condi
Incredibly tender ode to the lady.


PopCult

S.A.M, the Sesame Street Robot (video)
A terrific recap of freaky children's programming.

Glazastik. The New Internet Hero
This has a late-90s-Internet hokey delight to it.

The Checkered Career of the Wooden Honey Stick
Very diverting.


Food

Watermelon-Flavored Sigmund Freud Head Pops
I mean, why not?


Wacky News

A Man Flies 193 Miles in Lawn Chair
Just because you can doesn't mean you should, but I applaud his gumption and moxie at any rate.

A Gate-Crasher's Change of Heart
The most civilized talking-down of a criminal I've ever heard of.


Philosophy

If You Don't Have the Balls to Be Hated, Then You Don't Deserve to Be Loved
Amen, Violent Acres. Amen.

Sicko inspires grassroots action in Dallas cinema
I love that film can still spur people to action, it gives me hope yet for the future of humanity.

AlterNet: Neocons on a Cruise: What Conservatives Say When They Think We Aren't Listening
Remember what I said about having hope for humanity? Gone.

Kids in Guinea study under airport lamps
Oh, lookee! My hope for humanity just came back!

IBM Guidelines Govern Virtual Employees
And it's gone again. Fcking outrageous.


Health

Picking the Right Hospital Can Save Your Life
Sigh. Definitely need to think about this.


Miscellany

Pirates Knocked Up Shrek
Unintended or not, I still love this.

Strip Polka!
Life simply does not get any better than this.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZS-tWAUQa4Q" target="new">Web zen: illusion zen

LSD not necessary.

XKCD: Chesscoaster
Thank goodness for XKCD. He is fabulous.

Ze Frank's History o' Underwear
Oh boy.

Sunday, July 1, 2007

[Not Miranda] July!

Thank goodness for Fritz Kahn and the British Library Online, whoo! I love body-as-machine art, especially if there are mini-people scurrying about in the lungs, brains, pancreas, &c.

So, it's July! Good gravy, I can't believe my life is passing me by this quickly; it's time I dust off the ol' existential machete and hack a new path or twenty through what's remaining of my future -- assuming I don't get hit by a bus this week, of course, which would suck. In a recent lighting class I conducted, I went over Lighting Safety and concluded with the phrase "Whatever you do, don't die." Ever since then, the students have repeatedly used the phrase "Don't die!" at amusingly inopportune moments, but I'd like to think they've taken the message to heart and have decided to Just Say No to Drugs and so forth. A teacher can hope, I suppose.

But! I really meant to discuss July. Here goes:

Air-Conditioning Appreciation Days (7/3 to 8/15): living in LA, I appreciate A/C most of the time already

Cell Phone Courtesy Month: but I LIKE discussing my gynecological issues over the phone while standing in crowded elevators! Gee whiz.

Hemochromatosis Screening Awareness Month: if you have a ton of iron in your diet, take this one seriously

International Blondie and Deborah Harry Month: but EVERY month is Blondie/Deborah Harry Month! Anyone who says otherwise has a heart of glass.

Learn Arabic Month: your first vocab word is "wasta."

National Black Family Month: which black family is it this year?

National Home Inspector Appreciation Month: er, why?

National Horseradish Month: whoo!

National Purposeful Parenting Month: I'd prefer being a Purposeless Parent, personally.

National Wheelchair Beautification Month: but you'll have to get a wheelchair first. Whatever you do, try not to die.

Skyscraper Month: van der Rohe! van der Rohe! I can't believe (actually, I can) that he changed his last name to "van der Rohe" in order to fake an aristocratic air. Jerkoff. If you want a fun, fast-paced, witty, kill-the-sacred-cow read, I STRONGLY recommend Tom Wolfe's From Bauhaus to Our House. He apparently detests modern architecture as much as I do, and this book gave me lots of thrilling ammunition.

National Unassisted Homebirth Week: 1-7 -- SO not a good idea! Yurgh.

Be Nice To New Jersey Week: 1-7 -- yeah!

Nude Recreation Weekend: 9-15 -- most people look terrible in the nude. Not a good idea.

Sports Cliché Week: 15-21 -- so I can't get to third base this week? Dang.

Single Working Woman's Week: 7/29-8/4 -- EVERY week is &c.

Canada Day: 1 -- O, Canada, we love your maple syrup so.

Take Your Webmaster to Lunch Day: 6 -- yeah! And my dad will actually be in town to do this!

Cherry Pit Spitting Day: 7 -- sounds like a good idea to me. Spronging pits from my nostrils gave me a massive headache last time.

Chocolate Day: 7 -- EVERY day &c.

National Personal Chef's Day: 7 -- do we each get a personal chef on this day? Or do personal chefs get this day off? Huh.

International Town Criers Day: 9 -- because my local town crier could sure use a day off.

Clerihew Day: 10 -- Look it up. I took a stab:

Astrid Jessica Phillips
Is incapable of backflips.
She can't do anything athletic with ease,
So she's chosen instead to shoot movies.

AM I AWESOME OR WHAT.


Don't Step On A Bee Day: 10 -- good idea.

Bowdler's Day: 11 -- PIGF*CKER.

Embrace Your Geekness Day: 13 -- EVERY day &c.

Gruntled Workers Day: 13 -- okay.

Young Feminist Day: 13-15 -- EVERY &c.

Be A Dork Day: 15 -- EVERY &c.

Gummi Worm Day: 15 -- EVERY...jeez, this is getting repetitive.

National Ice Cream Day: 15 -- EDINICD (Every Day is National Ice Cream Day -- we'll do acronyms now.)

National Lollipop Day: 20 -- EDINLD.

Gorgeous Grandma Day: 23 -- ugly grandmas be darned.

Health, Happiness With Hypnosis Day: 24 -- because health and happiness WITHOUT hypnosis would be a massive waste of time.

National Drive-Thru Day: 24 -- Let's overwhelm In 'N' Out Burger!

Tell An Old Joke Day: 24 -- okey dokey pokey. "When is a door not a door?" "When it's a jar!" Whoo!

Garlic Day: 27 -- EDIGD.

Take Your Houseplant For A Walk Day: 27 -- uh. Okay.

Walk on Stilts Day: 27 -- WHILE HOLDING THE HOUSEPLANT? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, BLOOD?

System Administrator Appreciation Day: 27 -- EDISAAD.

National Cowboy Day: 28 -- EDINCD.

National Milk Chocolate Day: 28 -- EDINMCD.

My work here is done. Go forth and July the hell out of yourself, which means: Don't die. This includes fireworks safety, tedious but true. I like my friends with as many fingers intact as possible.