Tuesday, October 18, 2005

how to turn on Dan Rather without touching

I discovered the hilarious world of Dan Rather today, and there is no going back. My favorites are "You talk about a ding-dong, knock-down, get-up race," which is just begging to be sampled, and "This race is shakier than cafeteria Jell-O," which is fab imagery. Mmm, Jell-O.

So, I had the weirdest hankering last night for toast and runny eggs, so I did a grocery run for organic eggs, sourdough English muffins, and (gasp!) the latest issue of Cosmo. Should I be worried? I mean, Cosmo? Good lord, what have I done?

So, Cosmo. I freaked out just now when I took it out of my bag, and realized it said "Cosmo Men" on the front, with a pic of Matthew McConaughey. Wha? After a panicked moment wherein I thought I'd blown $3.99 on a mag not meant for my demographic, I then realized that this month's issue is -- wait for this -- TWO IN ONE. Flip it one way, it's two-thirds chick mag. Flip it the other way, it's one third chap mag. I can barely contain myself. At least I now know why sex position no. 77 is as apparently mind-blowing as no. 69, which I feel has now made me a wiser, better person.

I'm steamed about a couple of things, though. First, there's an article called "Bedroom Blog." Um, I thought it had to be online to count as a blog. Otherwise, wouldn't it just be a log? What a bunch of dumbasses. Second, page 54 is supposed to have an article entitled "How to Turn Him On Without Touching" -- I turned to page 54, and found a silly, silly page with pics of celebs kissing! RIPOFF, I say! So, without further ado, here is my own replacement list:

How to Turn Him On Without Touching
1. Take clothes off.
2. Smile. Waving hello in a merry fashion isn't such a bad idea, either.

See? Am I great at this or what?