Tuesday, June 26, 2007

as we draw to a close

Did you know that June is International Accordion Awareness Month, Turkey Lovers Month, Learn French Month, National Aphasia Awareness Month, National Candy Month, National Ice Tea Month, Pharmacists Declare War on Alcoholism Month, and Potty Training Awareness Month? Here's what throws me:

1. Everyone, everywhere, is aware of accordions. They might not be happy with this awareness, but it is the cross we all bear.

2. Loving turkeys is illegal in many states, so why should turkey lovers get their own month?

3. Isn't it insensitive to expect people to learn French AND be aware of aphasia? It's like, "Hey, aphasia sufferers! We can learn French and YOU CAN'T! Ha ha!" I think this is just terrible.

4. I thought every month is already National Candy Month.

5. Ditto for ice [sic] tea.

6. How do pharmacists declare war on alcoholism, exactly? Are swords involved?

7. I'm pretty sure that everyone, everywhere, is aware of potty training. Not everyone may have a potty, mind you, but I'm sure the awareness is still there.

June gets even weirder, though; we have National Headache Awareness Week (3-8), National Business Etiquette Week (4-10), Telemarketing Awareness Week (4-10), Superman Week (7-10), Youth Cowboy Poetry Week (8-11), Fiddlers Week (18-23), Appreciate Your Plumbing, Heating & Cooling Professionals Week (24-30), and Carpenter Ant Awareness Week (24-30). We're all definitely aware of headaches, telemarketing, and carpenter ants, and frankly I know we'd all be better off without this kind of awareness.

Also, isn't "business etiquette" an oxymoron? I thought good business involved taking you to a collection agency for non-payment on a product you never purchased in the first place.

And I don't understand why Superman, youth cowboy poetry, and fiddlers all need their own special week, when I'm sure we all love them EVERY week. I know I do. I especially appreciate my plumbing, heating, and cooling professionals every week, oftentimes with flowers and sexual favors, although not necessarily in that order.

The following days confuse the bejeezus out of me, either because I hate them and see no reason to observe them at all, or because I love them so much I already observe them every day:

Yell "Fudge" at the Cobras in North America Day (June 2): love
Doughnut Day (3): love
Apple Computer Day (4): love/hate
Banana Split Day (8-9): love
Croquet Day (9): love
Vinegar Day (16): love
Garfield the Cat Day (19): hate
World Sauntering Day (19): love
Vegan World Day (21): hate. haaaaaaaaaaaate. hatehatehate.
Stupid Guy Thing Day (22): love/hate
Chicken Wings Day (29): love, especially Buffalo wings with bleu cheese and sticks of carrots and celery

And these confuse me entirely:
Stewarts Root Beer Day (17) -- why?
Please Take My Children To Work Day (25) -- no thanks, take your own damn children to work.
Hand Shake Day (28) -- I'd rather have my hands STOP shaking. I may need medication.

That is all.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

we all can has cheezburger, rly!

So, I was talking to some folks recently about the goth aesthetic, and I mentioned that I'm Rainbow Gothic. "What," they inquired with great puzzlement, "is Rainbow Gothic?"

"Imagine," I said, gazing dreamily at the horizon as I gestured airily with both arms, "driving a hearse--"


"Shush," I said mildly. "It would be very handy for lugging around film equipment--"

"And it would have a lower center of gravity than an SUV, which would also be practical." This was from the member of our group with an engineering degree.

"Yes," I agreed, whereupon I resumed gazing at the distant horizon. "And it would be shocking pink with airbrushed hearts and rainbows and unicorns all over the chassis, and rhinestones around the windows, and the upholstery would have zebra stripes, and there would be a disco-ball skull hanging from the rearview mirror."

"I could get into that," said the engineer.

"No WAY," another burst out. "Dude, there were DEAD PEOPLE in that thing. I mean, I could get used to it if I had to, but still, gross."

Anyway, there you are -- Rainbow Gothic. I'll try to think some more about what else would be Rainbow Gothic, but I'm also open to suggestions.


Moving right along, I need to air out my brain, and share the media wackiness I've seen lately on teh internets. (Yes, I can has cheezburger, thank you very much.) The bulk of the below is from warrenellis.com, but in case you already follow his site, you'll still see some surprises below. Or so I'd hope. Welcome to my brain...on DRUGS! (And by "drugs," I mean "too much Web surfing. And caffeine.")

Human All Too Human (49:30) -- a terrific film about the life of Friedrich Nietzche

A fascinating excuse for a shoe

"It comes down to this: I love money. I love success even more. But I worked very hard to get money so I can pay for things myself. That's what turns me on and makes me happpy. Having shit handed to me by surly hipsters, or people whose mouths smile but eyes don't, is bad for the soul." -- Patton Oswalt

The Original Seven -- NASA

I feel like this sometimes, pretty pink ribbon and all.

Internets Ouija Board T-Shirts!

Corey Lewis - "Kid Girl Khameleon"

Krasnikov Tube

Kefitzat Haderech -- man, we Jews think of everything.

Civil Disobedience at an Oil Conference -- hooray for the Yes Men!

Knitted Viking Hats for Babies -- why do babies get all the fun?

Greatest Survival Trick Ever, assuming you're hanging out in the wilderness with steel wool and a 9-volt battery

Double Your Gas Mileage!

How Make Glowing Printer Ink -- poor English, awesome technique

Human Tetris -- from Japan, of course.

I love lamp

Shampoo Ads -- but why?

fun retro media files, courtesy of Mr. Bali Hai

INCREDIBLE shadow art!

The most thorough description of the film biz ever -- by Oliver Stapleton BSC, a very amusing guy

If "Bonanza" Were Edited Like Friends -- brilliant!

"Problem" Light -- for fans of the Venture Bros.

Your own...personal...blimp.

Coolest-looking office ever