Tuesday, June 26, 2007

as we draw to a close

Did you know that June is International Accordion Awareness Month, Turkey Lovers Month, Learn French Month, National Aphasia Awareness Month, National Candy Month, National Ice Tea Month, Pharmacists Declare War on Alcoholism Month, and Potty Training Awareness Month? Here's what throws me:

1. Everyone, everywhere, is aware of accordions. They might not be happy with this awareness, but it is the cross we all bear.

2. Loving turkeys is illegal in many states, so why should turkey lovers get their own month?

3. Isn't it insensitive to expect people to learn French AND be aware of aphasia? It's like, "Hey, aphasia sufferers! We can learn French and YOU CAN'T! Ha ha!" I think this is just terrible.

4. I thought every month is already National Candy Month.

5. Ditto for ice [sic] tea.

6. How do pharmacists declare war on alcoholism, exactly? Are swords involved?

7. I'm pretty sure that everyone, everywhere, is aware of potty training. Not everyone may have a potty, mind you, but I'm sure the awareness is still there.

June gets even weirder, though; we have National Headache Awareness Week (3-8), National Business Etiquette Week (4-10), Telemarketing Awareness Week (4-10), Superman Week (7-10), Youth Cowboy Poetry Week (8-11), Fiddlers Week (18-23), Appreciate Your Plumbing, Heating & Cooling Professionals Week (24-30), and Carpenter Ant Awareness Week (24-30). We're all definitely aware of headaches, telemarketing, and carpenter ants, and frankly I know we'd all be better off without this kind of awareness.

Also, isn't "business etiquette" an oxymoron? I thought good business involved taking you to a collection agency for non-payment on a product you never purchased in the first place.

And I don't understand why Superman, youth cowboy poetry, and fiddlers all need their own special week, when I'm sure we all love them EVERY week. I know I do. I especially appreciate my plumbing, heating, and cooling professionals every week, oftentimes with flowers and sexual favors, although not necessarily in that order.

The following days confuse the bejeezus out of me, either because I hate them and see no reason to observe them at all, or because I love them so much I already observe them every day:

Yell "Fudge" at the Cobras in North America Day (June 2): love
Doughnut Day (3): love
Apple Computer Day (4): love/hate
Banana Split Day (8-9): love
Croquet Day (9): love
Vinegar Day (16): love
Garfield the Cat Day (19): hate
World Sauntering Day (19): love
Vegan World Day (21): hate. haaaaaaaaaaaate. hatehatehate.
Stupid Guy Thing Day (22): love/hate
Chicken Wings Day (29): love, especially Buffalo wings with bleu cheese and sticks of carrots and celery

And these confuse me entirely:
Stewarts Root Beer Day (17) -- why?
Please Take My Children To Work Day (25) -- no thanks, take your own damn children to work.
Hand Shake Day (28) -- I'd rather have my hands STOP shaking. I may need medication.

That is all.

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