Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Are you being skimmed?

Reader Finds Card Skimmer On Bank ATM

I've always been paranoid about ATMs, but I figured I'd be fine if I only visited bank ATMs instead of the sketchy-looking ones at the local 7-11. Silly, silly me! Just watch as I now wrestle with every stinking ATM I visit, convinced each one is out to skim my data. And then the security guards haul me away, thinking I'm trying to deface bank property. Gah.

I just can't win.

Envision World Peace: Marry A Terrorist

The Atlantic: All You Need Is Love / How The Terrorists Stopped Terrorism

My parents told me about this years ago, and then my dad sent me this article recently. I think the story is a hoot, and gets at the heart of the terrorism problem: give somebody a sense of worth, with everyday staples taken care of, and they'll stop blowing up airplanes &c.

Hooray for ingenuity!

Heartache leave: the best PR ever

Via Iconoculture:

"Japan-based Hime & Company gives its female employees under 24-years-old up to three days of “heartache leave” so they can take time to heal from a broken heart (Reuters.com 1.28.08)."

Is this brilliant? Or the dumbest thing ever? Why only three days? Why don't male employees get the same thing, when we all know that guys can easily be just as distraught over matters of the heart?

I actually think this is a publicity stunt to get buzz for Hime and Co., which (according to the Google translation of its website) is a "marketing company that provides products and services targeted to women (items Planning - Promotional PR)". Looks like they're brilliant at what they do.

how to get creatively unstuck?

TED Talks / Elizabeth Gilbert: A different way to think about creative genius

Are we geniuses? Or does genius speak through us? Is belief in a muse just an easy way to shed accountability, or necessary for not suffering a nervous breakdown? I'm not sure about any of these things, but I do know that Gilbert is a terrific speaker, and I highly recommend watching this 18-minute talk. I especially recommend it if you're feeling creatively stuck.

gorgeous poster art

I found this totally by accident, and now I'm half in love, half eating my heart out that I'll never be this stupendous an artist.

ISO50


Oh boy! Jury duty!

First things first: Mr. T just had jury duty as well!

Next things next: Last week, through this past Monday, I had jury duty on an attempted murder case. I was only a juror alternate, which meant I couldn't sit in the room with the deliberating jury, but I agreed with their verdict of Not Guilty -- there simply wasn't enough evidence. Crazy thing? The verdict was decided in TWENTY MINUTES. Now, that's what I call efficient. Crazy, but efficient.

To quote from an email I just sent about this: I learned a lot about

- LA gangs (I won't mention any in particular, because I don't want to get shot)

- LA gang graffiti ("NELA" = "Northeast LA", for example. It's also popular to spray your "E"s as backward "3"s)

- LA gang clothing (if you see young guys in LA wearing sports jerseys with T logos on them, be they for the Texas Rangers or other, walk away VERY QUICKLY)

- GSR tests (GSR = Gun Shot Residue. Apparently the test is BS once a person washes their hands.)

Also, when a threatening, gang-type person asks you "Where you from?", they really mean "What's your gang?" and will most likely shoot you if you give a wrong answer.

Ha ha! Isn't Los Angeles exciting and dynamic?

Friday, April 17, 2009

Mindshare LA: 16 April 2009

It was in a warehouse, downtown, after dark.

I got there early and helped set up chairs.

Hundreds of chairs -- dusty but light.

Open bar. Two giant snakes inside the bar's counter. I asked for a club soda "with a wedge of something." I got a cup full of various citrus wedges and fizz. Joy! On a side table: chocolate torte from Porto's. Also joy!

I had a new phone message from a job rep. She offered me a job as a brand licensing manager for NBC Universal. The following morning, I will politely decline.

Met people. Many, many people. Programmers, astrophysicists, pre-med people. Media people. JPL people. CalTech people. People whose jobs I couldn't quite figure out, but they seemed to be having gobs of fun anyway. They all liked my earrings. I'd already forgotten which ones I was wearing. I touched them; mother-of-pearl toucans, each of which took up half of each ear. Go toucans!

Time to sit down. I sat with my new CalTech posse.

First speaker discussed group dynamics. Should have been a half-hour longer, at least.

Second speaker discussed drag queens and the fluidity of personality. I wonder how this could be extended to other, non-drag groups?

Third speaker discussed the AlloSphere. I desperately need to test drive this thing.

Intermission. More fizz with wedges of things. Hello, snakes! But they were sleeping. They looked comfy.

Fourth speaker discussed DNA art. So cheap to make, so expensive to buy! I wish I had his brilliance.

Fifth speaker did terrific magic, with very bitter patter. I guess bitterness was his thing. It was on the knife edge between hilarious and depressing.

More talking. CalTech people surprised that I did not, in fact, attend CalTech. Business cards, bonding, drag queens, AlloSphere. Discussion of potential field trip to the AlloSphere. Discussion of the term "field trip." I asserted that field trips do not necessarily require chaperones. Everyone looked relieved.

12:30pm. Back to the car. No ticket, whoo! Chilly out, but I was A-OK. I was wearing my sassy red coat which makes fascinating people say "hello" to me.

I slept well.

film people wisdom

So, I went to the UMEC Film Industry panel a couple of nights ago. Everyone on the panel went to UMichigan, or was at least from the state of Michigan. Go blue, fellow Wolverines! Below are my notes from the evening.

***

Scott Aversano: my personal favorite. I'm always a sucker for people with brains, wackiness, and optimism, plus at one point in his life he was pursuing a PhD in English. Total coolness.

What he said:
Orthodoxies of job paths no longer exist, find your own way.

"I feel like I can invent my job tomorrow." Seems by far the most optimistic of everyone on the panel about current opportunities for getting your creative voice heard today, also has faith that most people in the industry negotiate in such a way as to preserve constructive, mutually beneficial relationships. Bob Shaye pounced on this (see Bob Shaye, below).

"Bidding wars are where personal relationships go to die."

On State of Play: "We were negotiating in dollars, they were negotiating in pounds." Tried to get the rights to the show before WB did, only to have Universal scoop them after the wrong-denomination debacle.

***

Peter Benedek: sounds like he's seen it all and has maintained steady nerves/equilibrium nonetheless. Vaguely reminds me of my orthodontist.

What he said:
started a boutique talent agency back when such an approach could still work. Business too global now to try.

Start working in the mail room, it really works.

***

Jon Glickman: surprisingly low-key for such a sleek-looking exec, maybe it's because he's from the Midwest. Looks sort of like my brother. Only guy on the dais not wearing glasses.

What he said:
accost people in elevators, CONSTANTLY pitch.

The guys who pitched Shanghai Noon had never had a successful pitch before. Since this was their first, they only received $98,000 or so. "Then they landed a TV show called 'Smallville' and became zillionaires and now they've lost my phone number!"

***

Adam Herz: sweet writer-type; doesn't look like the sort of guy who could invent American Pie, which makes the truth so much more magnificent. Appears untouched by stereotypical Hollywood ugliness, surprisingly non-cynical.

What he said:
passion really does matter. Selling out first not necessarily so terrible -- can fund passion projects later. Had not realized that the landscape of the film industry is currently so dire.

***

Rick Olshansky: quieter guy. I get the sense he's never held a camera in his life, but probably has attended more meetings than you can shake a stick at.

What he said:
when trying to get work in the industry, just plug yourself in (as a temp, PA, etc.); when you're around the business, you get absorbed into it.

***

David Paymer: instantly recognizable. Seems to be on the quieter side of really warm/easygoing.

What he said:
always have something to fall back on. Double-majored in theatre and psychology. Currently acts AND directs. "Like I said, always have something to fall back on!"

Mentioned precipitous drop in actor salaries. Always asks for his mid-1990s salary; "after the laughter dies down, we negotiate." Salary roughly half what it used to be.

***

Bob Shaye: looks like he's spent his whole life in the sun, taming wild horses with his bare hands. Rather grim about the topics discussed.

What he said:
very cynical about film-industry ethics. When Aversano talked about good relationships being at the core of negotiating, Shaye delivered a very cynical smackdown, said this has NEVER been his experience.

Don't insist on salaries, don't negotiate, just get your foot in the door.

Movies just being movies apparently no longer enough; Village Roadshow is extending the theatrical experience to be more like a dinner show.

"How much time are you going to spend in front of a TV or computer? Instead of watching your life, go live it. . . . There's going to be a humanity rebellion of some sort." Lots of laughter and applause at this one, both in the audience and on the dais.

***

All in all, not a bad evening. Next time I hope to see some female panelists, though. Some arm wrestling over The Future of Cinema might not be so bad, either.

Monday, April 6, 2009

the growing pains of Omegle

Visit Omegle, and give it a spin. I'll wait here.

So, let me guess: you spoke with a Brazilian. A 19-year-old Brazilian. Or maybe even a 14-year-old Brazilian. Despite the fact that Omegle is not a Brazilian site (to the best of my knowledge), I definitely felt like the foreigner when I visited it. The OLD FART foreigner.

This site has some amazing potential -- I love the simplicity of the experience, and it's easily addictive. However: I have zero interest in speaking with anyone who isn't a grown-up, regardless of nationality. If I have one more conversation with someone who says "r u" instead of "are you," I will scream. If I have one more conversation about somebody's upcoming math test, I will scream. If I have one more conversation with someone who doesn't know yet what they're majoring in, I will scream.

I'll revisit Omegle in a week or so, and see if it's grown up at all. These things tend to improve exponentially -- if I wait a whole month to log back in, my parents will probably be on by then.

high-tech animation of Red Riding Hood

I recommend watching this in as large a size as possible, since there's a lot of text. This animation approach doesn't add much to the story, IMHO, but it's a fascinating exercise nonetheless, plus a little Röyksopp is always welcome.


Slagsmålsklubben - Sponsored by destiny from Tomas Nilsson on Vimeo.

now your breadmeat shines with deliciousness

Squeez Bacon®!

Saturday, April 4, 2009

keeping my dignity, and my Shirley Temple

Why Do Mocktails Fall Flat?, Eric Felten, Wall Street Journal, April 3 2009

I found this a pretty interesting article, and was totally along for the ride, until I read this sentence:
The only faux-cocktail . . . that has survived into modern times is the grenadine-tinted ginger ale concoction, the Shirley Temple. But it survives only as a treat for the kiddies, not a drink that any self-respecting adult, no matter how abstemious, would think to order.
Go play in traffic, Mr. Felten. I consider myself a dignified (if irreverent) person, and I enjoy a Shirley Temple every now and then. Granted, they are ridiculously sweet, even for me, which is why I often follow Felten's example and get seltzer instead (hooray, slice of lime!), but still. I am peeved, on principle.

I am especially peeved because over the past few months I've discovered the joys of certain Belgian beers (Leffe Blonde, Bavik) and German ones (Erdinger Hefe-Weiss), as well as pinot noir (Castle Rock, pick a year and version), but for the longest time I was a borderline teetotaler. I was not a teetotaler because I thought Alcohol Is The Devil's Beverage, but simply because I couldn't find an alcoholic beverage which appealed to my taste buds. I was always very up front about this with people, and equally A-OK with being in otherwise liquor-soaked situations, and I thought all was fine. That is, until I spoke recently with friends of mine about my beer/pinot discoveries, and they all said the same thing:

"Nice to see you finally yanked that stick out of your ass."

Not that they necessarily used those words, but that's pretty much the sentiment I've heard, over and over again, throughout the past few weeks. My question is, what stick? I've never made withering comments to anyone imbibing, so where is this coming from? Does the simple act of not drinking make nearby drinkers feel guilty, and the resentment grows from there? Did all my friends insist upon interpreting my Shirley Temple-ish and seltzer-ish ways as a sign of my non-existent snobbishness and superiority?

Do I hang out with self-hating folks who enjoy misinterpreting me?

Am I over-analyzing this?

I'm hereby snatching back my Shirley Temple and enjoying the hell out of it. Screw you all, it matches my cell phone and makes me happy.

Software License Agreement -- The Ninja Translation

Software License Agreement -- The Ninja Translation

[This is my line-by-line translation of an actual software license agreement from a giant computer corporation with a cult following. I may have had a ridiculous amount of caffeine before tackling this.]

Read this so that we, Yuppie Entertainment Corporate Holdings (NASDAQ: YECH), can successfully sue you, and you can't successfully sue us. By reading the rest of this, you are agreeing with the previous ("first") sentence. If you disagree with the first sentence, use somebody else's software, dumbass. On the plus side, if you disagree with the first sentence, you can return this software to wherever you bought it and we'll give you a refund. If you were dumb enough to get this online, click "Disagree/Decline" and go play in traffic. If you got this as part of a package including hardware, you'll have to drag everything (yes, EVERYTHING, heavy hardware and all) to wherever you bought it in order to get your lousy refund; we're counting on the fact you're too lazy to bother doing any of this.

IMPORTANT NOTE: You can use this program to copy stuff. Just copy stuff for which we can't sue you, which means you can't copy anything except for that crappy post-punk garbage you recorded with your sorry-ass 'band' last week. We'll let you use this software to listen to music on other people's computers/servers. Don't use your access of copyrighted music in a way which will make us want to sue you. If you're not sure what would make us sue you, call a lawyer; if you can't afford a lawyer, we guess you could always try Legal Aid, but they're too busy helping people with real problems.

1. General. Everything in this software is ours, not yours; if you're not sure what's yours, assume it's ours. There are chunks of this software which isn't ours, but we're not going to tell you which parts -- let's just say that we know it's not ours, but we have permission to use it anyway and we know it's definitely not yours. You own the disk and/or hard drive on which the software is sitting, but that's about it. All of this applies to any updates we toss your way, unless the update comes with a different set of rules which we could use to sue you.

2. Permitted License Uses and Restrictions. Kiss our fat, hairy butts for allowing you to use this precious software. You can use this program to copy stuff; just copy stuff for which we can't sue you, which is practically nothing except for the aforementioned post-punk garbage you're still convinced will make you a star on YouTube. Don't let anyone else have access to this software from their own computer, or we'll sue you. You can make only one copy for yourself, in case this software dies an unholy death in the middle of your favorite Daily Show webisode; your one other copy must include all this legal crap as well. If you mess with this software in any way whatsoever, we will send ninjas to maim you and have it look like an accident. DON'T USE THIS SOFTWARE TO LAUNCH BOMBS, NAVIGATE PLANES, MAINTAIN PEOPLE ON LIFE SUPPORT, OR DO ANYTHING ELSE STOOPID WHICH WILL DRAG US INTO SENATE HEARINGS AND POSSIBLY LAND YOU AN HONORABLE MENTION IN THE DARWIN AWARDS.

3. Transfer. Don't earn any money on this software. You can pawn it off on somebody else if you're getting a new version, but you're only allowed to do this if a) you hand over everything with no missing parts, b) you don't secretly keep a copy for yourself, say on a jump drive which may or may not be adorned with Hello Kitty decals, and c) the person to whom you're handing this software is actually irritating enough to read all of this and agree to it like the anal-retentive jerk that they are.

4. Consent to Use of Data. We're allowed to collect information about you, which we'll sometimes use to improve our software, but mostly we'll use it to spy on you and find excuses to sue you. We're allowed to do this, as long as we can't use it to identify your name or where you live; of course, we're required to say this, but we all know it's B.S. and Homeland Security could totally make us revoke this 'respect for privacy' thing -- God bless America!

5. Online Store and Other Services. You can use this to buy stuff in our online store. You'll still need Internet access, idiot -- plus, you'll have to agree to even more legal crap before you can start looking at stuff.

When you use this along with a store account, you're agreeing to the latest store legal crap sight unseen; you can access and review this crap on the store home page, but we all know you won't.

By using our services, you'll probably find entertainment which would give your Catholic grandmother a coronary; or, if you're not Catholic, your neighbor's Catholic grandmother may have the coronary instead. This is not our problem. Descriptions of entertainment may be inaccurately worded in order to get you to download stuff it turns out you didn't want after all, but you'll still have to pay for it anyway.

Our services may include stuff not made by us. Some of it will be crap you'll hate, but that's not our problem. That stuff has nothing to do with us, so don't even try suing us over it. We'll give you links to things, but follow them at your own peril. Don't do anything with other people's crap through our site which would make them sue you; if you get in trouble, don't look at us.

Our services include colors and sounds which we own or are licensing, and you can't do anything with these colors and sounds except look at them and listen to them. Don't copy anything, not even a part of something. Don't make money off the colors or sounds, and don't hack into our network and/or shut it down, or else beware the ninjas -- they're nasty little suckers.

We (and the people whose stuff we're licensing) reserve the right to change any of this crap when you're not looking. You won't ever be able to sue us over this. We can also limit your access to our services anytime we like for no apparent reason, because we're evil and you're too busy suckling at our gorged teat of trendy 'new media' -- BOW TO YOUR CORPORATE OVERLORDS, WHOO.

6. Termination. These rules are rules until we decide they're no longer rules. If you break any of these rules, we can rip your rights away from you without warning. If/when these rules are no longer rules, you'll stop using the software and destroy all your copies, because you are a lazy, stupid robot and will do everything we tell you to do because you are addicted to our pretty sounds and colors.

7. Warranty on Media. For ninety (90) days after you buy this, we're pretty sure this software will be okay, as long as you don't overuse it or drop your MP3 player in the toilet like last time -- how the hell did that happen, anyway? If you don't consider our software/services 'okay,' we'll give you a refund, but only if you bring your software back to wherever you purchased it and actually remember to bring your receipt, which no one ever does. THIS IS ONLY TRUE FOR THE FIRST NINETY (90) DAYS AFTER YOU BOUGHT THIS. SOME STATES MIGHT LET THIS WARRANTY LAST LONGER THAN NINETY (90) DAYS, SO CALL YOUR LOCAL CONGRESSPERSON AND SEE WHAT THEY SAY; THEY'LL PROBABLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, SINCE MOST CONGRESSPEOPLE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A "PDF" IS, SO DON'T SAY WE DIDN'T WARN YOU. IF THERE ARE NO OTHER WARRANTIES THAT YOU KNOW OF WHICH MIGHT APPLY TO YOU RIGHT NOW, THIS IS IT. APPARENTLY, THIS GIVES YOU CERTAIN RIGHTS, BUT WE'RE SURE AS HELL NOT GOING TO TELL YOU WHAT THEY ARE.

8. Disclaimer of Warranties. YOU AGREE THAT IF OUR SOFTWARE BLOWS CHUNKS, YOU'LL SUCK IT UP. OTHER THAN THE WARRANTY B.S. WE MENTIONED ABOVE, WE DON'T OWE YOU ANYTHING ELSE, SO DON'T EVEN TRY SUING US. IF YOU DON'T ENJOY OUR SOFTWARE OR SERVICES, IF OUR SOFTWARE/SERVICES DON'T DO WHAT YOU NEED THEM TO DO, IF THERE ARE ANY GLITCHES IN OUR SOFTWARE/SERVICES, AND/OR IF WE DON'T FIX THOSE GLITCHES, THEN: HA HA, SUCKS TO BE YOU. IF ANYTHING IS DEFECTIVE, YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR THE REPAIR -- ALL OF IT. THEN AGAIN, YOU MIGHT LIVE IN AN AREA WHERE WE MIGHT HAVE TO MAN UP AND TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY AFTER ALL, LET'S HOPE THAT'S NOT THE CASE.

9. Limitation of Liability. UNLESS A LAWYER MAKES US DO OTHERWISE, WE'RE NOT GOING TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY IN CASE USING OUR SOFTWARE/SERVICES HURTS YOU, HURTS SOMEONE ELSE, HURTS PROPERTY, HURTS PROFIT, HURTS DATA, HURTS ANYTHING, SIMPLY BECAUSE YOU'RE A DUMBASS WHO COULDN'T USE OUR PRODUCT(S) PROPERLY. THEN AGAIN, YOU MIGHT LIVE IN AN AREA WHERE WE MIGHT HAVE TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY AFTER ALL, WHATEVER. No matter what, we'll never give you more than fifty bucks ($50) to make it up to you, unless the law makes us do otherwise. Even if the $50 isn't enough to cover your trainwreck of an existence, so it goes.

10. Export Control. You can't send copies of the software out of the country, unless federal law says otherwise for some strange reason. You definitely can't send a copy to a) Cuba or any other embargoed country, or b) to anyone the Treasury Dept. or Dept. of Commerce doesn't like, since chances are we can't sue any of those people. If you use this software it had better be because you're not in an embargoed country or hated by the Feds. And if you use this software to make weapons, we'll definitely send our ninjas after you, which will make the CIA look like a bunch of pansy asses.

11. Government End Users. The software is 'commercial,' according to your bureaucratic, law-type crap. Also according to this bureaucratic, law-type crap, this software is only being licensed to you as a) a commercial item, and b) having the rules apply which you hopefully already know about, lest you get caught using this software in a non-legitimate way and get dragged into a media circus which labels you as a fraud and destroys your pitiful, underpaid career. Again, God bless America.

12. Controlling Law and Severability. You'd better be using this in California, using California laws, on a California computer, eating a California roll, listening to "California Dreamin'." If the United Nations says otherwise, tell them to go rub a monkey's tummy with their heads. If any part of these rules turns out to be unenforceable by suing or ninjas, the rest of the rules are still in effect -- sorry to disappoint.

13. Complete Agreement; Governing Language. These rules are the rules to listen to, so ignore any rules we posted earlier and which you probably didn't read, either -- unless you also consider the rules about our store, which are always important and ninja-worthy. If we change any rules, the changes will be worthless unless you see them in writing and signed by us, which is what our lawyers told us to say. Any translation of this license (not counting the ninja translation you're currently reading) is to make your local bureaucrats happy, and if there are any misunderstandings because of translation, the English version will trump all others; rest assured you will lose all your money in any and all court proceedings against us on grounds of language, even if you found a version of this license in Pig Latin which really 'speaks to you.'

14. Third Party Software and Service Terms and Conditions.
A. Third Party Terms of Use.
Our software involves a third party, hooray for us. Cool thing is, this third party software allows our software to do handy things. Please do not use third party software as a flotation device.

Don't use third party software for anything which might make you money. Don't hand third party software to someone else. YOU AGREE NOT TO USE THIRD PARTY SOFTWARE DATA TO FLOSS YOUR TEETH OR DO OTHER RIDICULOUS THINGS FOR WHICH THIRD PARTY SOFTWARE WAS NEVER INTENDED TO BE USED, DIPWAD.

If you break these rules, no third party software for you. Really: no third party software for you. The third party owns everything third party. If you give any information to the third party, and for some weird reason expect to get paid for it, you'll be sorely disappointed. The third party will send ninjas after you if you piss them off.

The third party spies on you. However, it does it by assigning a number to you so it doesn't know your name, but it still totally knows how old you were when you lost your virginity. If you're worried about having the third party know your most intimate details, check out the third party's privacy policy and then drown your pain in narcotics.

Appreciate the glitches in the third party's software for making the third party software the unique little snowflake we know it to be. If you don't, kiss our aforementioned hairy butts. The third party is free to change or delete information on their database without telling you. The third party promises nothing. The third party may do whatever it likes, which may include invading Poland or cheating on you with your best friend.

The third party is too awesome to worry about warranties -- "Fuck warranties" is a popular phrase around Third Party Central. If you don't have a good time with the third party's software, that's your problem. If anyone or anything is broken or killed because of the third party's software, that's also your problem.

B. Fourth Party Service Terms and Conditions.
Terms of Service.
If you're dumb enough to use the fourth party's software, the following rules will screw you over:

Fifth party Links. Search results and links you find via the fourth party (owned by a fifth party) are not the fault of the fourth party, so don't sue us if they piss you off. Really: try suing us over somebody else's site which you found through us, and our lawyers will laugh at you -- and then blow their noses with your subpoena.

Personal Use Only. Don't make money using the fourth party's software. Really -- don't even use it to increase traffic to your AdSensed blog. No fair taking our search results and repackaging them on your own website; actually, just don't mess with our data at all, or we'll borrow the first party's ninjas and you'll never see your toes again.

Well, scratch that -- if you want to make money using the fourth party, email Sales and be prepared to fork over several gold bars, your left arm, and the soul of your firstborn. Maybe also your toes.

Changes in Terms and Conditions and Fourth Party Service. The fifth party can change its services or even entirely yank them out from under you without any warning whatsoever, which it likes to do from time to time out of sheer boredom. The fifth party can also change its terms of service without warning, which again it might do because it is BORED BEYOND BELIEF and also enjoys hearing millions of upset computer geeks crying out as one, only to be suddenly silenced.

Disclaimer of Warranties. If the fourth party's software screws up, the fifth party is not responsible. If anything goes wrong, in fact, the fifth party will never be responsible. The fifth party is Teflon and you are nothing, you miserable peon fourth-party user-type idiot person.

THE FOURTH PARTY HAS NO USE FOR WARRANTIES, NOT UNLIKE THE THIRD PARTY. NO WARRANTIES WHATSOEVER. THE FIFTH PARTY HAS NO USE FOR WARRANTIES, EITHER. HONEST TO BETSY.

IF YOU USE THE FOURTH PARTY SOFTWARE, AND MESS THINGS UP ROYALLY, DON'T SAY WE DIDN'T WARN YOU, PLUS IT WON'T BE OUR FAULT AT ALL.

THEN AGAIN, YOU MIGHT NEED TO DISCUSS THIS WITH YOUR CONGRESSPERSON.

Limitation of Liability. IF YOU SCREW UP, THE FIFTH PARTY OWES YOU NOTHING -- ZIP, ZERO, NADA. EVEN IF THE SCREW-UP IS CLEARLY OURS, YOU'LL STILL SEE NO MONEY FROM US AT ALL, BECAUSE YOU SUCK DONKEY BALLS. IF THERE'S A SCREW-UP ON THE PART OF A SITE TO WHICH YOU GAINED ACCESS VIA THE FOURTH PARTY, IT'S STILL TOTALLY NOT OUR PROBLEM. REALLY, IF YOU LOSE DATA OR MONEY OR YOUR CHILDREN BECAUSE OF THE FIFTH PARTY OR THE FOURTH PARTY, IT'S ALL YOU, PAL. WE'RE TERRIBLY SORRY. OKAY, NOT REALLY.

OF COURSE, YOU MIGHT NEED TO DISCUSS THIS WITH YOUR CONGRESSPERSON.

If the fourth party's software doesn't perform well because of Internet failures, equipment failures, power failures, strikes, labor disputes, riots, insurrections, civil disturbances, shortage of labor or materials, fires, floods, storms, explosions, acts of God(s), war, governmental actions, orders of domestic or foreign courts or tribunals, or loss of or fluctuations in heat, light, or air conditioning, then the fifth party officially wants you to go whistle Dixie; practically everything in this paragraph is in actual software license agreements, go see if you don't believe it.

Miscellaneous Provisions. These terms of service are dictated by whatever frustrated and resentful California bureaucrats decided on your behalf. If any of these rules are deemed unenforceable, the rest of the rules still apply -- HA HA IN YOUR FACE YO.

All of these rules replace any previous rules you wasted your time reading (or not) the last time you downloaded any of this crap. The only time these rules won't hold is if the fifth party puts the waiver in writing and signs it, which only would happen over the fifth party's cold, dead, corporate body.

Now click "Agree" like the obedient little dimwit monkey you know you are.