[Not Miranda] July!

Thank goodness for Fritz Kahn and the British Library Online, whoo! I love body-as-machine art, especially if there are mini-people scurrying about in the lungs, brains, pancreas, &c.

So, it's July! Good gravy, I can't believe my life is passing me by this quickly; it's time I dust off the ol' existential machete and hack a new path or twenty through what's remaining of my future -- assuming I don't get hit by a bus this week, of course, which would suck. In a recent lighting class I conducted, I went over Lighting Safety and concluded with the phrase "Whatever you do, don't die." Ever since then, the students have repeatedly used the phrase "Don't die!" at amusingly inopportune moments, but I'd like to think they've taken the message to heart and have decided to Just Say No to Drugs and so forth. A teacher can hope, I suppose.

But! I really meant to discuss July. Here goes:

Air-Conditioning Appreciation Days (7/3 to 8/15): living in LA, I appreciate A/C most of the time already

Cell Phone Courtesy Month: but I LIKE discussing my gynecological issues over the phone while standing in crowded elevators! Gee whiz.

Hemochromatosis Screening Awareness Month: if you have a ton of iron in your diet, take this one seriously

International Blondie and Deborah Harry Month: but EVERY month is Blondie/Deborah Harry Month! Anyone who says otherwise has a heart of glass.

Learn Arabic Month: your first vocab word is "wasta."

National Black Family Month: which black family is it this year?

National Home Inspector Appreciation Month: er, why?

National Horseradish Month: whoo!

National Purposeful Parenting Month: I'd prefer being a Purposeless Parent, personally.

National Wheelchair Beautification Month: but you'll have to get a wheelchair first. Whatever you do, try not to die.

Skyscraper Month: van der Rohe! van der Rohe! I can't believe (actually, I can) that he changed his last name to "van der Rohe" in order to fake an aristocratic air. Jerkoff. If you want a fun, fast-paced, witty, kill-the-sacred-cow read, I STRONGLY recommend Tom Wolfe's From Bauhaus to Our House. He apparently detests modern architecture as much as I do, and this book gave me lots of thrilling ammunition.

National Unassisted Homebirth Week: 1-7 -- SO not a good idea! Yurgh.

Be Nice To New Jersey Week: 1-7 -- yeah!

Nude Recreation Weekend: 9-15 -- most people look terrible in the nude. Not a good idea.

Sports Cliché Week: 15-21 -- so I can't get to third base this week? Dang.

Single Working Woman's Week: 7/29-8/4 -- EVERY week is &c.

Canada Day: 1 -- O, Canada, we love your maple syrup so.

Take Your Webmaster to Lunch Day: 6 -- yeah! And my dad will actually be in town to do this!

Cherry Pit Spitting Day: 7 -- sounds like a good idea to me. Spronging pits from my nostrils gave me a massive headache last time.

Chocolate Day: 7 -- EVERY day &c.

National Personal Chef's Day: 7 -- do we each get a personal chef on this day? Or do personal chefs get this day off? Huh.

International Town Criers Day: 9 -- because my local town crier could sure use a day off.

Clerihew Day: 10 -- Look it up. I took a stab:

Astrid Jessica Phillips
Is incapable of backflips.
She can't do anything athletic with ease,
So she's chosen instead to shoot movies.

AM I AWESOME OR WHAT.


Don't Step On A Bee Day: 10 -- good idea.

Bowdler's Day: 11 -- PIGF*CKER.

Embrace Your Geekness Day: 13 -- EVERY day &c.

Gruntled Workers Day: 13 -- okay.

Young Feminist Day: 13-15 -- EVERY &c.

Be A Dork Day: 15 -- EVERY &c.

Gummi Worm Day: 15 -- EVERY...jeez, this is getting repetitive.

National Ice Cream Day: 15 -- EDINICD (Every Day is National Ice Cream Day -- we'll do acronyms now.)

National Lollipop Day: 20 -- EDINLD.

Gorgeous Grandma Day: 23 -- ugly grandmas be darned.

Health, Happiness With Hypnosis Day: 24 -- because health and happiness WITHOUT hypnosis would be a massive waste of time.

National Drive-Thru Day: 24 -- Let's overwhelm In 'N' Out Burger!

Tell An Old Joke Day: 24 -- okey dokey pokey. "When is a door not a door?" "When it's a jar!" Whoo!

Garlic Day: 27 -- EDIGD.

Take Your Houseplant For A Walk Day: 27 -- uh. Okay.

Walk on Stilts Day: 27 -- WHILE HOLDING THE HOUSEPLANT? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, BLOOD?

System Administrator Appreciation Day: 27 -- EDISAAD.

National Cowboy Day: 28 -- EDINCD.

National Milk Chocolate Day: 28 -- EDINMCD.

My work here is done. Go forth and July the hell out of yourself, which means: Don't die. This includes fireworks safety, tedious but true. I like my friends with as many fingers intact as possible.

as we draw to a close

Did you know that June is International Accordion Awareness Month, Turkey Lovers Month, Learn French Month, National Aphasia Awareness Month, National Candy Month, National Ice Tea Month, Pharmacists Declare War on Alcoholism Month, and Potty Training Awareness Month? Here's what throws me:

1. Everyone, everywhere, is aware of accordions. They might not be happy with this awareness, but it is the cross we all bear.

2. Loving turkeys is illegal in many states, so why should turkey lovers get their own month?

3. Isn't it insensitive to expect people to learn French AND be aware of aphasia? It's like, "Hey, aphasia sufferers! We can learn French and YOU CAN'T! Ha ha!" I think this is just terrible.

4. I thought every month is already National Candy Month.

5. Ditto for ice [sic] tea.

6. How do pharmacists declare war on alcoholism, exactly? Are swords involved?

7. I'm pretty sure that everyone, everywhere, is aware of potty training. Not everyone may have a potty, mind you, but I'm sure the awareness is still there.

June gets even weirder, though; we have National Headache Awareness Week (3-8), National Business Etiquette Week (4-10), Telemarketing Awareness Week (4-10), Superman Week (7-10), Youth Cowboy Poetry Week (8-11), Fiddlers Week (18-23), Appreciate Your Plumbing, Heating & Cooling Professionals Week (24-30), and Carpenter Ant Awareness Week (24-30). We're all definitely aware of headaches, telemarketing, and carpenter ants, and frankly I know we'd all be better off without this kind of awareness.

Also, isn't "business etiquette" an oxymoron? I thought good business involved taking you to a collection agency for non-payment on a product you never purchased in the first place.

And I don't understand why Superman, youth cowboy poetry, and fiddlers all need their own special week, when I'm sure we all love them EVERY week. I know I do. I especially appreciate my plumbing, heating, and cooling professionals every week, oftentimes with flowers and sexual favors, although not necessarily in that order.

The following days confuse the bejeezus out of me, either because I hate them and see no reason to observe them at all, or because I love them so much I already observe them every day:

Yell "Fudge" at the Cobras in North America Day (June 2): love
Doughnut Day (3): love
Apple Computer Day (4): love/hate
Banana Split Day (8-9): love
Croquet Day (9): love
Vinegar Day (16): love
Garfield the Cat Day (19): hate
World Sauntering Day (19): love
Vegan World Day (21): hate. haaaaaaaaaaaate. hatehatehate.
Stupid Guy Thing Day (22): love/hate
Chicken Wings Day (29): love, especially Buffalo wings with bleu cheese and sticks of carrots and celery

And these confuse me entirely:
Stewarts Root Beer Day (17) -- why?
Please Take My Children To Work Day (25) -- no thanks, take your own damn children to work.
Hand Shake Day (28) -- I'd rather have my hands STOP shaking. I may need medication.

That is all.

we all can has cheezburger, rly!

So, I was talking to some folks recently about the goth aesthetic, and I mentioned that I'm Rainbow Gothic. "What," they inquired with great puzzlement, "is Rainbow Gothic?"

"Imagine," I said, gazing dreamily at the horizon as I gestured airily with both arms, "driving a hearse--"

"Ick!"

"Shush," I said mildly. "It would be very handy for lugging around film equipment--"

"And it would have a lower center of gravity than an SUV, which would also be practical." This was from the member of our group with an engineering degree.

"Yes," I agreed, whereupon I resumed gazing at the distant horizon. "And it would be shocking pink with airbrushed hearts and rainbows and unicorns all over the chassis, and rhinestones around the windows, and the upholstery would have zebra stripes, and there would be a disco-ball skull hanging from the rearview mirror."

"I could get into that," said the engineer.

"No WAY," another burst out. "Dude, there were DEAD PEOPLE in that thing. I mean, I could get used to it if I had to, but still, gross."

Anyway, there you are -- Rainbow Gothic. I'll try to think some more about what else would be Rainbow Gothic, but I'm also open to suggestions.

=

Moving right along, I need to air out my brain, and share the media wackiness I've seen lately on teh internets. (Yes, I can has cheezburger, thank you very much.) The bulk of the below is from warrenellis.com, but in case you already follow his site, you'll still see some surprises below. Or so I'd hope. Welcome to my brain...on DRUGS! (And by "drugs," I mean "too much Web surfing. And caffeine.")

Human All Too Human (49:30) -- a terrific film about the life of Friedrich Nietzche

A fascinating excuse for a shoe

"It comes down to this: I love money. I love success even more. But I worked very hard to get money so I can pay for things myself. That's what turns me on and makes me happpy. Having shit handed to me by surly hipsters, or people whose mouths smile but eyes don't, is bad for the soul." -- Patton Oswalt

The Original Seven -- NASA

I feel like this sometimes, pretty pink ribbon and all.

Internets Ouija Board T-Shirts!

Corey Lewis - "Kid Girl Khameleon"

Krasnikov Tube

Kefitzat Haderech -- man, we Jews think of everything.

Civil Disobedience at an Oil Conference -- hooray for the Yes Men!

Knitted Viking Hats for Babies -- why do babies get all the fun?

Greatest Survival Trick Ever, assuming you're hanging out in the wilderness with steel wool and a 9-volt battery

Double Your Gas Mileage!

How Make Glowing Printer Ink -- poor English, awesome technique

Human Tetris -- from Japan, of course.

I love lamp

Shampoo Ads -- but why?

fun retro media files, courtesy of Mr. Bali Hai

INCREDIBLE shadow art!

The most thorough description of the film biz ever -- by Oliver Stapleton BSC, a very amusing guy

If "Bonanza" Were Edited Like Friends -- brilliant!

"Problem" Light -- for fans of the Venture Bros.

Your own...personal...blimp.

Coolest-looking office ever

big ol' shocker

What Be Your Nerd Type? Your Result: Artistic Nerd Whether it's painting, sewing, drawing, arts and crafts; or just splashing paint onto a canvas and calling it art; you mostly fit this description. Lots of people envy the artists, but be humble and keep working on it. There is a shortage of true artists today who actually contribute anything to society.
Literature Nerd
Drama Nerd
Social Nerd
Science/Math Nerd
Musician
Gamer/Computer Nerd
Anime Nerd
What Be Your Nerd Type? Quizzes for MySpace

Also, you know those moods you can select when posting your MySpace blog thingie? What I want to know is, what if you're feeling ALL of those things at the same time? I find it terribly limiting of the MySpace folks to only let you post one mood at a time, silly silly yucky narrow-minded wiener heads. Harrumph, I say.

And another thing: if you're at a party, bump into someone from your past, and say, "I never thought our paths would cross again," and then immediately blurt out "DUDE! I'm speaking in IAMBIC PENTAMETER," then you probably deserve everything that happens next.

And then you will most likely be my new best friend.

it's easy and creepy and stupid and perfect

This looks, feels, and sounds exactly like falling in love. At least for me. Long may the bird and the bee reign.

the bird and the bee

If Karen Carpenter indulged in various illicit activities with Kraftwerk and the Beach Boys, and then if she gave birth to twins who grew up to make music, they would probably sound exactly like the bird and the bee. They are stupendoriffic, oh my good gravy. Bonus: their photos on their MySpace page are everything I'd hope for and more.

Must. Get. Fresh. Air.

Hooray, it's time for some more fabulous media randomness!

This is sheer genius, and I can't stop watching it over and over. It's really perfect. Except for the obvious CG and the fact that Marge is driving on the wrong side of the car, of course.


Real-Life-Simpsons-Intro by rajucheema

Pigs flying in Russia! Very atmospheric.

Song: "My Bathroom Is A Private Kind Of Place," written and composed eons ago for American Standard. Total hilarity.

Song: "Recruit, Train, and Motivate," by the Amway Singers. This was also done eons ago, but for Amway. Total creepiness, yet oddly catchy.

And last, but certainly not least....

Song: "Happy Living," by the Astro Age Steel Orchestra. Imagine a Japanese band performing a Christmas standard. On Carribean steel drums. Yeah. Pretty awesome.