[Not Miranda] July!

Thank goodness for Fritz Kahn and the British Library Online, whoo! I love body-as-machine art, especially if there are mini-people scurrying about in the lungs, brains, pancreas, &c.

So, it's July! Good gravy, I can't believe my life is passing me by this quickly; it's time I dust off the ol' existential machete and hack a new path or twenty through what's remaining of my future -- assuming I don't get hit by a bus this week, of course, which would suck. In a recent lighting class I conducted, I went over Lighting Safety and concluded with the phrase "Whatever you do, don't die." Ever since then, the students have repeatedly used the phrase "Don't die!" at amusingly inopportune moments, but I'd like to think they've taken the message to heart and have decided to Just Say No to Drugs and so forth. A teacher can hope, I suppose.

But! I really meant to discuss July. Here goes:

Air-Conditioning Appreciation Days (7/3 to 8/15): living in LA, I appreciate A/C most of the time already

Cell Phone Courtesy Month: but I LIKE discussing my gynecological issues over the phone while standing in crowded elevators! Gee whiz.

Hemochromatosis Screening Awareness Month: if you have a ton of iron in your diet, take this one seriously

International Blondie and Deborah Harry Month: but EVERY month is Blondie/Deborah Harry Month! Anyone who says otherwise has a heart of glass.

Learn Arabic Month: your first vocab word is "wasta."

National Black Family Month: which black family is it this year?

National Home Inspector Appreciation Month: er, why?

National Horseradish Month: whoo!

National Purposeful Parenting Month: I'd prefer being a Purposeless Parent, personally.

National Wheelchair Beautification Month: but you'll have to get a wheelchair first. Whatever you do, try not to die.

Skyscraper Month: van der Rohe! van der Rohe! I can't believe (actually, I can) that he changed his last name to "van der Rohe" in order to fake an aristocratic air. Jerkoff. If you want a fun, fast-paced, witty, kill-the-sacred-cow read, I STRONGLY recommend Tom Wolfe's From Bauhaus to Our House. He apparently detests modern architecture as much as I do, and this book gave me lots of thrilling ammunition.

National Unassisted Homebirth Week: 1-7 -- SO not a good idea! Yurgh.

Be Nice To New Jersey Week: 1-7 -- yeah!

Nude Recreation Weekend: 9-15 -- most people look terrible in the nude. Not a good idea.

Sports Cliché Week: 15-21 -- so I can't get to third base this week? Dang.

Single Working Woman's Week: 7/29-8/4 -- EVERY week is &c.

Canada Day: 1 -- O, Canada, we love your maple syrup so.

Take Your Webmaster to Lunch Day: 6 -- yeah! And my dad will actually be in town to do this!

Cherry Pit Spitting Day: 7 -- sounds like a good idea to me. Spronging pits from my nostrils gave me a massive headache last time.

Chocolate Day: 7 -- EVERY day &c.

National Personal Chef's Day: 7 -- do we each get a personal chef on this day? Or do personal chefs get this day off? Huh.

International Town Criers Day: 9 -- because my local town crier could sure use a day off.

Clerihew Day: 10 -- Look it up. I took a stab:

Astrid Jessica Phillips
Is incapable of backflips.
She can't do anything athletic with ease,
So she's chosen instead to shoot movies.

AM I AWESOME OR WHAT.


Don't Step On A Bee Day: 10 -- good idea.

Bowdler's Day: 11 -- PIGF*CKER.

Embrace Your Geekness Day: 13 -- EVERY day &c.

Gruntled Workers Day: 13 -- okay.

Young Feminist Day: 13-15 -- EVERY &c.

Be A Dork Day: 15 -- EVERY &c.

Gummi Worm Day: 15 -- EVERY...jeez, this is getting repetitive.

National Ice Cream Day: 15 -- EDINICD (Every Day is National Ice Cream Day -- we'll do acronyms now.)

National Lollipop Day: 20 -- EDINLD.

Gorgeous Grandma Day: 23 -- ugly grandmas be darned.

Health, Happiness With Hypnosis Day: 24 -- because health and happiness WITHOUT hypnosis would be a massive waste of time.

National Drive-Thru Day: 24 -- Let's overwhelm In 'N' Out Burger!

Tell An Old Joke Day: 24 -- okey dokey pokey. "When is a door not a door?" "When it's a jar!" Whoo!

Garlic Day: 27 -- EDIGD.

Take Your Houseplant For A Walk Day: 27 -- uh. Okay.

Walk on Stilts Day: 27 -- WHILE HOLDING THE HOUSEPLANT? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, BLOOD?

System Administrator Appreciation Day: 27 -- EDISAAD.

National Cowboy Day: 28 -- EDINCD.

National Milk Chocolate Day: 28 -- EDINMCD.

My work here is done. Go forth and July the hell out of yourself, which means: Don't die. This includes fireworks safety, tedious but true. I like my friends with as many fingers intact as possible.